First day of school

I am on vacation this week to get my kids settled into the school routine.  Today was the first day for them.  I love this time of year because I remember how excited I used to get for the first day of school and my mom always made a big deal out of it.  I try to do the same.  I got up at 4 (my usual time) and went to the gym, I have been good about that this week.  I came home and made a wonderful breakfast for the kids.  We spent a few extra minutes doing Adrianna's hair and picking which outfit she should wear and of course I had to take pictures.  Once they were off I went and spent some time with my BFF.  It was a good day!  She has been my best friend for my entire life and I am able to share things with her that I would not share with any other soul on the planet.  Sometimes, like today she is my life line and I love her dearly. Having such amazingly strong, beautiful, women in my life has definitely influenced the person that I am.  I am very blessed to have such special relationships. 

I have been on track this week and have been to the gym every day.  I am working really hard to stay on plan with my diet too.  I have however made a few bad choices with my food plan.  Tomorrow I am going to have to work pretty hard to make up for that venti Iced Mocha I indulged in today lol.  I am down an additional 5 pounds so I have lost a total of 13 out of the 20 that I had gained.  Not the results I want but acceptable.

I have been feeling particularly lonely the last several days so it was great to spend time with my girl. Tomorrow is another day and another opportunity for great things to happen...

What? Me, in a swimsuit?

I love my Saturdays!  With only a week and a half left until the kids go back to school I want to get  a lot of activities in...Today I weighed in and thankfully I am down 8 pounds this week.  I am determined not to keep that 20 that I have gained back plus I want to lose 25 more and then I will be at my goal.  This journey has not been an easy one and it has taken a lot longer than I imagined but I feel so good!! It has become so much more about getting fit and strong and so much less about how I look, although that is a big bonus!

I took the kids swimming today and I have to say that this was the first day in my entire life that I wore a swimsuit and did not cover it up with a HUGE T-shirt and shorts.  You know what?  I was not at all self conscious and had a really good time just being with my kids and not worrying if anyone was staring at the fat chick in a swimsuit (that would be me).  What a great thing to not allow myself to be bogged down by my own insecurities!  I even heard my daughter's friend say "your mom is so cool and she's really pretty."  To which my daughter replied "yeah she is really pretty, I'm so proud of her."  It instantly brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my heart! She is having friends sleep over and my little man has decided to spend the night with his cousins.  He is worried the girls will try to put makeup on him LOL.  The girls are having a scary movie marathon and JD is helping out some friends so I am on my own for the evening.

I am kind of sad that the summer is almost over but I am taking a week off when they start school to get them settled in.  I am hoping to get a couple of home projects done at the same time.  It will be strange to be home during the day, alone, while the kids are in school.  I am hoping to hit the gym really hard that week.  I love having those moments to myself.  My workouts are my time. 

My goal this week is to lose at least 5 pounds, hopefully more like 7 or 8.  I am taking the kids school shopping next weekend and since Adrianna will be running cross country this year she asked if we could go run together a couple of nights after work.  I am really looking forward to that.  All the one on one time I get with them makes me happy.  I am , working hard and I will reach my goals!  My family is staying active, and my kids are actually excited about going back to school.  Time for some mommy moments and a pedicure! 

Be true to yourself

I haven't been here for a while.  I have been staying busy, living and enjoying life.  I have re-newed appreciation for my life.  This summer has been wonderfully busy.  I ran my first 5k race!  It was a quiet accomplishment that I have kind of kept just for myself.  Knowing that it was something that I never would have been strong enough to do two years ago.  I have taken some time away from the gym and my strict diet and to be honest I'm really feeling it.  Life is a series of changes, some are wonderful things that keeps you kind of floating and some are real struggles that if you let them can tear you apart.  I have gained back about 20 pounds or so but it is not staying.  My body pain seems to be coming back more often as well.  Today I returned to my regular schedule of exercise and I am back on my diet.  I am ready to get back on track.  I did 8 miles on the bike and 45 minutes of strength training, then 20 minutes on the elliptical.  I am hurting a bit tonight but that will go away in a couple of days, It's a good, tired, kind of pain. 
totally worth it. 

Our family has been spending a lot of time together doing different activities all summer.  We went to Stanley for Melissa's wedding.  What a beautiful place!  It was perfect for that special day!  We had an amazing time.  Melissa was such a beautiful bride.  Because life is such a series of bumps in the road and stressors that bog us down, having moments of love like these remind us to be happy. 

The kids are getting ready to return to school in a couple of weeks and so am I.  It will be an even busier fall so I am cherishing these days now.  I am really happy.  We have struggled with some things lately but we are weathering the storm just as you do.  I am very lucky to have the life I have. 
I am very thankful for every little miracle.  I understand that the most important thing about love is knowing without a doubt in my heart that when I reach out in the dark through good times and bad there will be  another hand to take mine and pull me close.  I know that it is a team effort and we do it together. 

I am working to "lose the extra 20" that I gained back and a few more.  I am still strong, I am still motivated and I have a lot more accomplishments in my future.  Every day is a new beginning, every new beginning is an opportunity to do something epic...

Reactive Attachment

Life  is challenging these days.  Raising a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder is a constant roller coaster of love, guilt, inadequacy, and frustration.  There are so many moments that I have questioned my abilities as a mother.  So many moments when I have questioned whether or not I have the Hutzpah to give my daughter everything she needs while maintaining my sanity and the rest of my family relationships, and the rest of my life.

 RAD is a disorder that makes it very difficult for my daughter to feel emotions the way the rest of the world does.  She struggles every day with so many things.  Relationships, friendships, even family relationships are hard for her.  She does not have the little voice in the back of her head that the rest of us have, the voice that helps us make decisions.  She struggles a lot with her identity and with her self esteem.

 When I first made the decision to become an adoptive parent, I wanted to be a mom so badly that even though I knew that I may be raising a child that has been abused and has issues associated with that abuse, I didn’t really understand what that meant.  Even when I met her, she was this beautiful 3 year old that seemed happy and vibrant.  Within moments of being introduced to her she crawled into JD’s lap and politely asked him to read her a story.  We were both totally smitten from that very moment.  I had been told that she had been diagnosed with RAD but I didn’t have any idea what it was or what it meant.  I saw this little angel and thought there is no way she can be anything other than “normal” and I couldn’t wait to be her mother!  As she has grown she has both struggled at times and at times seemed to have no issues and we all have become much more knowledgeable about her disorder.  We have seen many symptoms manifest and then fade away only for something else to show up later.  Through it all my love for her has multiplied thousands and thousands of times.

 Sometimes we really battle.  My child has a vibrant personality.  She is very charismatic and people are drawn to her initially and that is part of what makes RAD so difficult is that others only get to see the charming, beautiful girl that she wants them to see and they can’t understand the issues that she has.  I always felt like I was determined to “fix” her.   Well, it’s not that simple and when I realized that I could not “fix” her I started feeling helpless.  I felt like a bad mother, after all mothers are supposed to be able to do everything for their children.  The stress at times is overwhelming for our entire family and when she is on a rampage it affects us all in a very big way.

 My beautiful girl has really been struggling lately and we have had to work on getting her through it.  I know that as she grows she will experience difficulties that she does not understand and cannot control, difficulties beyond the normal growing pains.  She has been my primary focus this last week and we are spending some girl time to recharge and rejuvenate…

 I have not really followed anything this week as my focus has been on my family.  I have been to gym 3 days this week so far, I am looking forward to going tomorrow (my heaviest workout day of the week) and releasing some tension and some stress.  I am also gaining control of my food plan again and tomorrow I am back on track.  I am committing to staying on plan this week no matter how hectic it gets and I am committing to getting to the gym every day.

Staying Motivated

My goal for this week was to lose 5 more pounds and keep my body moving as well as keeping my family moving.  I have lost 4 pounds this week so I am a little shy of my goal but it just makes me want to work harder this next week.  I am determined to lose 20 more pounds within the next 30 days.  I have been staying on plan pretty well and exercising every day.  It seems that the closer I get to my final goal the harder it is to actually lose the pounds. 

 We are now on a roll with our regular summer family bike rides.  Yesterday we decided to pack a picnic basket and take it the park.  We went for a two hour bike ride which ended up back at the park for our little picnic.  It is wonderful family time with the kiddos and I am chalking up those mommy memory moments that I love so much.  It also gives all of us the opportunity to get out in the sunshine and get some exercise.

 It has definitely been a busy week.  This was the first week of summer vacation for my kiddos. Coming up with activities for them to do every day while they are home has taken some creative thinking.  I have planned an activity for them to do each day of the week to keep them entertained without sitting in front of the television or the video games all day long.  I am still looking for other suggestions as we need to fill their days for the rest of the summer and it needs to be something that they can do mostly on their own (unsupervised).  Adrianna has been very responsible and proving that she can be home during the day like other 12 year olds and not confined to Day Care.  I am intensely proud of her. 

 JD and I had to drive down to my mom’s place to deliver a table.  I have found that taking every opportunity to spend some quality time together strengthens our relationship and we truly enjoy each other.  We decided to take the scenic route since my parents live about an hour away out in the country.  It was a beautiful day, it was beautiful drive!  We took a detour and drove up in the mountains on the way home so that we could talk and laugh and just enjoy having some of those kid free moments together.  It turned out to be one of the most romantic days we have had in a very long time. Every relationship needs to be nurtured every day, even if it is just stealing a few hours with your partner away from stress and the every day routine of life.  It reminded me of the way it used to be when we first met and couldn’t keep our hands off each other. 

 I found a couple of really great finds at an estate sale for the basement.  It is coming along slowly but I am getting very excited by the transformation.  The paint will be going on the walls next week once the wall that we had to rebuild is complete.  Then it will be just a matter of putting everything back together.  I am working on my frame project this week as well as figuring out some different lighting options down there.  I have also broken out the sewing machine and Adrianna and I will be making pillows for the couch down there.  Everyone has a part in this little mini-renovation and a chance to put their own stamp on this part of our home.

 This week my schedule is not quite as full.  My goal is lose 5 pounds and stay active.  I am adding an abs class to my regular workout schedule.  I notice that my body gets used to routine and it becomes a little less effective over time.  In order to continue losing pounds and inches each week I need to change things up a bit.  It also helps to keep me from getting bored with my workouts which effectively keeps me motivated every day.  Stay motivated, Stay active, Stay strong…

 

 

As I sit here and listen to the comfortable rumble that is my family and my home I feel so blessed.  It is the close of another week.  Lots going on this week.  I worked out every day this week.  Saturday I had a 4 hour workout that kicked my behind lol.  I walked early for an hour with "the Ladies".  Women that I work with.  I love these women and I love spending those moments outside of work with them.  After walking I went to the gym and a friend\trainer ran me through a really tough weight training session for my abs and chest.  Whoa, by then I thought I wanted to puke so I went to Yoga for an hour and fifteen minutes.  I left thinking I may not be able to move tomorrow.  Boy, was I right except that I didn't make it to tomorrow, within a couple of hours I was eating ibuprofen and looking for some relief.  I have to remind myself sometimes that I can't do it all.

 I have a personality that allows me to go, go, go, like the energizer bunny but sometimes I go too hard and my body lets me know.   This was one of those times.  After working out hard all week, I went over the edge on Saturday and it ended up doing much more bad than good.  I took Sunday off to rest my sore body.  today I walked 2 miles and ran 2miles then I came home and worked out for 45 minutes on the total gym.  I took it easier today hoping to be in full force by tomorrow.  I am getting ready for a wedding in July and have set a new short term goal for myself.  I want to lose another 20 pounds between now and then.  I have chosen my dress and really want to get a size smaller than I am now.  It's really pretty, I can't wait to get my new body into it!

Last week I was in training all week and travelling so I got home later and when my schedule is off, everyone's schedules are off.  I think I did okay with my food plan.  It is hard to stay on plan when you have to eat on the run.  I think I made the best choices I could make under the circumstances.  My family on the other hand did not fair as well, it was a week of chicken nuggets and hot dogs I'm afraid.  This weekend has been good however.  We needed some healthier home cooking.  All weekend has been about whole foods, and fresh foods.  We grilled some beautiful baby back ribs today with roasted vegetables, a green salad, and fresh fruit.

We have been active and moving and now it is time for some rest and a cozy movie in mom's bed lol.  Tomorrow is the first day of summer vacation for the kids and back to work for us.  I am re doing the floor in the basement next weekend.  I have decided to keep the tile and paint it.  I researched it and it shouldn't too difficult.  I have been rounding up items to put down there and I can't wait for the finished product.  Another busy week here I come.  School will be starting for me soon so I have to get as much done before that as I can.  My goals for the week are to lose 5 pounds, stay on plan and stay busy.  I will make sure I get my workouts in.  I will get enough rest (that's a hard one).  It has been a great weekend, Happy Memorial Day!  Do something to inspire someone.  Even if it's a little thing, sometimes the little things inspire Epic results! 

Comfort

Today was the last day of a week long training.  I am totally feeling it.  Although it was a great training it was a long week of traveling back and forth and sitting in a classroom all day.  It makes me tired.  One of the things we talked about was comfort and it got me thinking about the things that give me comfort and of course the first thing I think of is comfort foods.  I am from a big Italian family.  We use food for everything and that made it easy to fall in love with food and of course with making food.  I love all the comfort foods, who doesn't, that's why they are called comfort foods right?  I have always loved pasta and breads and tons of carbs.  I don't eat many carbs these days but occasionally I like to have a free day.  I am careful to make sure that it is within a week in which I have worked out a little harder and stayed on plan.  I have worked hard this week.  I have not missed a day at the gym and I am down 6 pounds.

I also thought about emotional comfort and it goes so well with comfort food because we eat from an emotional hunger more often than a physical one.  We eat when we are happy, sad, celebrating, grieving, whatever.  Food plays a lot of roles in our lives not just for nutrition.   I still get the emotional satisfaction, just in a healthier way.  JD and I made dinner together tonight.  I like cooking together.  It gives us time to talk about our day and our lives and our kids.  They make appearances in the kitchen as well, mostly to pick at whatever we are making.  Comfort foods and comfort from just being home.  Just ending my long week with my peeps.

My busy little family

It is the end of another great week in the King universe.  I have been going all week, like I haven't felt that I have had any downtime but I have a lot of extra energy and it has been a very productive week.

Hayden got an A on his solar system project and was pretty funny during his presentation at school.  He is vey proud and we are so proud of him.   School seems to come easily to him and he really loves it.  It so fun to talk to him most days right now because he is at a really great stage of growing.  He's too cute. 

Adrianna is growing up too.  I swear over night she started growing hips!  OOY I am in so much trouble, she is beautiful.  She baked me a cake for my birthday tomorrow and it was so perfect. 

I decided that I am not quite busy enough I guess so I started a new project lol.  I have hated my basement for the 5 years that we have lived in this house.  It is dark with tongue and groove paneling everywhere.  Even the ceiling!  The carpet is icky and we have just been talking about changing it and we finally started the project.  I just got tired of it being an unusable space. We got the carpet pulled up and we found a pretty great tile floor in great condition that is original to the house.  The pattern is a little funky but we can work with it.  I love finding treasures like that in this old house.  I love this house, it has always felt like we belong here.  I love making it ours, putting our family stamp on it.  Every room really is a reflection of who we are.  Finally our Family room will be  a space that we like hanging out in. 

Tomorrow is my  43rd birthday.  I love this age!  My forties have so far been a really wonderful stage of my life.  I am having lunch with my best friend who is also turning 43 tomorrow.  That makes it extra special. Then I am spending the afternoon with my mom looking for some cool antique stuff for the family room.  I get to pick the kids up from school then we are all having dinner.  I couldn't ask for a better way to spend my birthday.

I have had a lot of energy this week.  I ate pretty clean, I had to have a piece of Adrianna's birthday cake but the rest of the day and all week I have worked hard. Believe me, it was yummy. My goal at my weigh in on Tuesday is to be down a couple of pounds.  I but I am going  to workout for a couple of hours in the morning. I have been drinking a lot of water and eating well.  I did not go to the gym the last two days with the basement work .  It has been a very busy week.  Looking forward to Tomorrow, to seeing my peeps.  This next week I will be in training all week in Idaho Falls.  Being away from home is going to make it more difficult both to work out and to eat well.  It is also the kid's last week of school so they have parties and field trips to plan for.  I also need to start on moving the wall downstairs.  We are just moving it out 3 feet to make our bedroom bigger.  I am so excited for this to be finished.  I am repurposing everything in the room.  It will be so cool!!!  Have a great week!!

Mother's Day

Mother's Day for me has always been super special.  Having adopted children we celebrate everything.  We celebrate their adoption days as well as their birthdays and I tell them the stories of how they came to us every Mother's Day.  Adrianna was old enough to have memories of her own from before she came to us.  I know that those memories can be confusing for her at times.  I have always strived to be honest with my kiddos about their birth families.  I have saved every bit of information that I have ever received regarding their birth families and the circumstances surrounding their adoptions.  Every picture and memento, every piece of paper and letter and if you know anything about Foster Care, they don't come with much at all.  They usually don't have toys or clothes or any of the basics that most kids have, much less baby pictures or good memories.

I made a treasure box for each of them which houses all these things along with letters that I write to them every year on the anniversary of their adoptions and put in the treasure box.  I know that someday I will get questions about where they came from.  Adrianna has always expressed the she sees herself as different from the rest of us because she is half Mexican.  I want her to know about her heritage and to be secure in who she is.  I want her to know how much I love her and that I would do anything in the World to see her smile. 

One day we will sit down together and go through the boxes when they are old enough to have a better understanding of the difficult situations that they came from. I have never given birth so I truly cannot compare having adopted children to having birth children.  My heart tells me that it's not that different.  I have been told that it is hard to love other people's kids. People have asked questions about what it's like to adopt.  Unfortunately most of the time when one of those questions are asked it is generally unkind in the way it is presented.  Not intentionally, but people see them as "Not my real kids".  Well, I can tell you they certainly are my real kids and I am a real mom, JD is a real dad, and this is a real family.  We fight and love just like other families.    It constantly amazes me when things like that are said, and I do not respond to it well.  The love that I have for my children is the love of a mother, not having the same DNA does not matter to my heart.

I have been waiting to get the bikes out.  My family gave me flowers first thing in the morning and my husband got out the bikes, cleaned them up made sure they were ready to go.  Yay!!! I love these days!!! Homemade breakfast burritos, fresh fruit, trail mix, and juice packed in the backpack and we went for a two hour bike ride.  It was a beautiful day.  My son proposed to me, my daughter hugged me so tight she took my breath away.  It really was exactly what I wanted for Mother's Day! 

I have been very blessed and I am so thankful for the life I live.  My journey is as much about the inside as it about the outside.  This day my heart is overflowing!

I

So far, it has been a triumphant week.  I have managed to avoid the break room at work with lots of treats for employee appreciation week.  Lunch will be provided tomorrow but I am feeling good about my choices and I am certain that I will be able to make the healthiest choices for me tomorrow as well.  I have been working out every day this week and I am holding strong on the scale.  I have not lost but I have not gained either and for me that is a triumph, a success and a reason for celebration. I am battling a pulled muscle in my upper back which has forced me to lighten my workouts (holy crap talk about PAIN, wow!!)  but I am still getting up every day and going to the gym every day and working around my injury.  

 

On the home front it has been another great week.  My kiddos are gearing up for the end of the school year and Adrianna (who is turning 12 very soon) is working hard to make sure that she ends the year with decent grades.  Hayden has been rocking A’s and B’s all year so for him it is not as much of a struggle.  I am so proud of my kiddos!!  The weather is getting warmer and it is finally starting to feel like summer.  Time to get the bikes out, return to our family’s summer tradition of early morning Sunday bike rides and picnic breakfasts at the park.  It is a wonderful way for all of us to spend time together, get our bodies moving and enjoying good, fresh whole fruits and grains and some fresh air.  I have not had the opportunity to spend as much time with the hubby this week as I would like.  We have both had pretty full schedules and lots going on so the emotional connection has not really been there.  Hopefully we will be able to grab a few moments of mom and dad time to connect with each other this weekend.

 

I have not really had much time for any relationships this week and I find myself missing the people that I care about A LOT!!  My connections to my friends and family are very strong.  It is that human interaction that fuels me on most days.  It is being inspired by others and having the opportunity to inspire others that I live for!  I may not see you or speak to you every day but you are always in my thoughts and in my prayers. 

 

Weeks like this week in which I am being pulled in so many different directions and find it difficult to keep up,  I have to remind myself to stay as grounded and focused as I possibly can.  It is easy to let every thing else take over and we forget that we have to nourish our bodies, our hearts, and our minds.  Our bodies naturally want what is not good for us and our hearts often cry out for those that will break them.  We decide which will prevail.  We decide which we will fight for.  Have a wonderful rest of the week, find something that inspires you and challenge yourself to be an inspiration for someone else!!

One breath at a time

Happy hump day!  I weighed in today,  I have been fighting a lot of fatigue this week and I just wasn't up to going in yesterday.  It is just a fibro flare up and it will pass, hopefully soon LOL.   Although my flare ups have diminished substantially the fibro likes to pop up every once in a while just to remind me that I'm human.  My weigh in was very good.  I have lost the 10 pounds that I had gained.  Yay!  I have been working out every day except yesterday and even though I am feeling the pain I have forced myself to go and workout because I know that I might be struggling just to get through it but I will feel better when it's over.  With fibro pain you are never are quite sure where it will show up.  Most of my pain is in my neck and hips and my right arm.  I don't take pain medication unless I absolutely have to and most days I can get by without it, this week not so much.

It has been a fairly quiet week so far.  Other than a moment or two of drama with my children life is good.  JD and I have found some common ground.  We are working on our relationship and both of us really want it to work for the sake of our family.  It feels like we have found each other again.  It is like we started over.  It is an every day process and we are working every day at it but I look at him now and remember what it was that drew me to him in the first place.  I am very happy, I am loved.  We are communicating in ways that we have not been able to before and much of the anger that was within our home seems to have dissipated.  It is a beautiful thing!  Date night, we have not been on a date together for years.  This last weekend he planned everything, got a sitter, took me to dinner and then we went to play some pool where we met.  We laughed and talked and of course he beat me at pool but not by much lol.  It was a really great night! One that we both really needed.  The kids were still awake when we picked them up so we came home and all of us climbed into my king size bed and started watching a movie.  It wasn't long before the kids were asleep but we definitely made some good memories.

I have decided that I want the kids to be more involved with our healthy eating plan.  Adrianna has been cooking with me for a while.  The last couple of days she has gotten up when I leave for the gym at 5 am and gotten dressed and ready to go so that when I come home at 6 she can help make breakfast.  Today we made banana pancakes and smoothies.  I love spending those moments with her.  She asked me what I wanted for my birthday.  It got me thinking, I have all that I need right now.  I have a wonderful family, my marriage is strong again, I have some really special friends.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I am truly blessed and the only thing that I want for my birthday is to know that the people that I love are happy. 

I am hoping to walk a 5k race on Mother's Day with my daughter.  I had hoped to run it as one of my goals is to run a 10k race within this next year but I am not quite feeling confident enough to run this one.  I will get there, it is a process I must remind myself of that every day and I am working hard.  One day at a time, One breath at a time...

Living in the sunshine

Today I let go of the last piece of my former self.  Throughout this journey I have not packed up or given away any of my clothes.  I only recently began buying clothes that actually fit.  So today, I cleaned out my closet.  It started with a lost pink hoodie and ended with me letting go of my fear and the deep seated insecurities that have kept me fat for most of my life. 

I was looking for a pink hoodie that I have never been able to wear.  My husband gave it me a couple of years ago and today I decided to try it on and see if it finally fit.  I pulled out so many clothes as I was looking for it that I just sat on the floor in the middle of the chaos and I decided this is it.  "I am just going to do this, I refuse to allow myself to get this big and unhealthy ever again so why am I holding on to it?"  "Why is it so hard for me to just let this go?"  I created a couple of different piles at first.  the "go" pile and the "maybe" pile.  By the time I was finished there was no "keep" pile, it all went.  I though about the way I felt about myself then compared to the confidence I have now.  Packing up all those things and making room in my closet for the new smaller things was a very cathartic experience.  It's hard to explain the emotional shift that I felt in doing this.  I realize that I am lighter and stronger but most of all happier than I was then. 

This journey is not something I am simply visiting.  I intend for it to be my life and my family's life for the rest of my life.  I do not need to hold on to the skin, the covering that those things provided, kind of a safety net of never being noticed.  I have maintained a strong workout schedule this week.  I went to the gym every day I have been eating clean all week and really watching my calorie intake.  I will weigh on Tuesday but I can already feel that my clothes loosened back up so I must have lost the extra I gained last week. 

Adrianna and I went for a 3.5 mile run today.  She finished the full route on her scooter while I ran.  We talked about her friends and "Jimmy".  He is the latest crush.  We got out in the sunshine and lifted our spirits and we spent some pretty great moments together.  By the way I never did find the pink hoodie LOL...

Family week

Today we celebrated my son's 8th birthday.  It was a really great day, I got an early start so that I could at least get in part of my workout while getting everything ready for Hayden's party.  The last couple of weeks have been pretty sporadic with my food plan.  I thought that I was doing okay  because I have been working out but when I weighed in on Tuesday this week I have gained.  In retrospect I can feel it in my clothes, they are a little tighter so I have been working hard all week to get it back off!

This morning I got up early and went running while it was still kind of dark.  I love that time of the day, just me, my music, my heartbeat and my feet hitting the pavement. Once I am able to find a rhythm with the music on my Ipod and my breath it is almost autopilot from there.  I find solace in running alone at that time of day.  It gives me the opportunity to clear my thoughts.  I ran 4 miles.

 I came home and showered and went shopping for a couple of last minute things for Hayden's birthday and while I was out I found the perfect suit for him for Melissa's wedding in July!  yeah two things off my list!  Then I came home and baked two birthday cakes because as my sweet boy puts it, not everyone loves chocolate cake the way I do so we should have one for everyone else too.  I have always baked two cakes for every birthday both from scratch one chocolate and one not chocolate.  My family has come to expect it now and even my extended family loves it lol.  One of my favorite things is bringing some of the people I love, friends, family, extended family together.  Food is usually a big part of that, I like to feed my people, I am Italian after all, come to our homes and prepare to be fed!  Then we went to play laser tag.  That is the first time I have played but we had a blast! These moments with my family are the moments that I live for.  Hayden's best friend Josh is spending the night so I made homemade pizza for the kiddos and a yummy shrimp and chicken stir fry for Mom and Dad doesn't it look delish!!
  I am staying on my food plan and I am going to workout this evening on the total gym as soon as I get the kids settled with their movie.  Even with everything going on this week I have stayed grounded and happy and able to find time to move my body and move my family.

It has been a very busy day and very busy week.  It has been a week focusing entirely on my family and my blessings.  Hayden's adoption anniversary and his birthday are so close together.  I love that.  Adrianna's adoption anniversary is also just before her birthday, 10 days before.  Thank you God for those two little people!  They bring such light to every day.  They keep me young and they keep me grounded. 
 
I am ready to settle from my day, have a glass of wine, (I earned it today) and think about the people that I love and the people that I miss, I will squeeze in the total gym first however.  Today I am at peace.  I am happy and very thankful that my cup runneth over....

Building Memories

Sunday afternoon, I am looking around and smiling and thinking how truly blessed I am.  I had a really good workout yesterday that left me feeling refreshed and rejuvenated...I spent a couple of hours getting my tattoo worked on. and then played games the rest of the afternoon wiith the kids.  I found some good recipes for kid friendly, healthy snacks and we decided to try a couple of them out.

 Adrianna is at the age where it is time that she learns to cook and we have been working on that for a while.  I love to cook, and I hope that I can share that passion with her.  We made homemade granola bars, low calorie homemade trek bars, and smoothies.  Jd had to bust out the power drill with the wooden spoon attached, You know the ultimate in redneck blenders LOL.   My kids learned something about nutrition and we all had so much fun.  I really enjoy my family and am thankful for them every day.  Today we all got up early and went for a hike up the mountain.  Breathing in the fresh air, once again racking up the mom memory moments with my kiddos.

I am trying hard to incorporate healthy habits into my activities with my kids.  We are planning Hayden's 8th birthday party in two weeks.  So far he is not convinced that his friends will like carrot sticks better than cheesepuffs for snacks.  He is liking the idea of tumbling and getting to climb a rock wall so hopefully the snack part of it will move down the list of priorities for him.  JD is going to take him and let him shoot his BB gun for first time, that kid is so excited he can't hardly stand himself! 

I plan to spend some quality time this evening with my total gym and a movie with my family.  I am loving that the weather is finally clearing up a little.  I can't wait to get outside again. during the summer I love taking my kids for early morning bike rides on Sundays and have breakfast.  Can't wait for that again. 

I will be starting school again soon so I am trying to find holes in my schedule that I can dump school into now so that I can get adjusted by the time it starts...I think it will be an easier transition for all of us. 

I am strong, happy, and ready to start a new week.  My goal this week to lose another 5 pounds, move and get my family to move in some way doing some thing fun together at least once a day for the next 7 days.....We are building memories...

Movin forward!

 I am down 7 more pounds this week.  It has been a rough road, finding time to get to the gym while working through the personal stuff going on at home.  It is hard to remember to take care of ourselves when we are going through personal crises.  My beautiful mother reminded me that I cannot be a good mother, friend, employee, wife or whatever if I am not taking care of myself.  I have not been taking care of myself and I freely admit that perhaps I need to take stock of where I have come from and where I am going and re-focus. 

 

The drop on the scale this week, although I welcome any drop it has been an unhealthy one.  My nerves are raw and I have been unable to function for a month.  I am feeling better within the last few days.  I have begun to eat again.  When I am stressed out beyond my coping capabilities I have a habit of just not eating anything for days.  That is what happened this week.  I have been going to the gym however and that has given me something to look forward to.  I won the biggest loser overall in my office and was quite surprised to find out that I won $60.00.  My mother’s cousin suggested that I spend it on myself either a new dress or new pair of shoes, etc. just something for myself.  That is a foreign concept to me as it my nature to spend it on my children or towards some bill.

 

I did buy a new pair of stilettos the other day and of course I love shoes so it was a good day!  I am regaining some of my energy, All of my focus, All of my strength and determination.  I am hopeful about the future and even though my heart is broken I know that it will heal.  It has been many years since I have had to deal with the pain and uncertainty of heartbreak.  It is not a fun thing. I guess it comes with the territory though.

I must confess that this week I fell off the wagon, I smoked nearly an entire pack of cigarettes in one day.  I used it as a crutch since my normal coping mechanisms seem to be on a beach somewhere on vacation when I needed them.  The next day I woke up with the worst chest pain and sore throat.  What was I thinking???!!!  Now I remember why I quit smoking in the first place.  Thank God it was only one day!

 

I have found a couple of really great, healthy recipes that I am looking forward to trying this weekend with the kiddos.  I am eating clean again and I am going to the gym tomorrow morning and have a three hour workout planned.  I should be sufficiently exhausted to sleep through the night….Well, okay then when was the last time I actually slept through the night lol? If the weather is good I plan to take my kiddos on a hike up the mountain.  Staying active, and busy, when you going through emotional stuff can help keep you centered.  I know that I have to stay active no matter what else is happening around me and I am holding true to that.  My spirits are positive.  It is a beautiful day and I am going to enjoy every precious moment…

New Direction or Separation

When a relationship is new and you are falling in love or have just fallen in love with someone it seems that the world suddenly has a new glow about it.  Everything seems easier and brighter.  And by the same token when a relationship starts to burn out, the world seems to become dark and hard to manage. 

 

I have built a family, a home, and a life with my husband.  I am defined by my role as a wife and a mother.  When I was a little girl and I dreamed of what my life would be when I grew up, I dreamed of being a wife and a mother.  I did not dream of having an amazing career or doing great things, I simply wanted a family.  As I grew up and grew into adulthood,  I began having physical problems that prevented me from having biological children.  I spent many years longing to fill that hole inside my heart.  I spent many years doing fertility treatments and every time I started a new relationship, I immediately began thinking about having a family. 

 

As I got older and came to the realization that I would most likely never have biological children that I would most likely never be a mother it broke my heart!  There were times when I felt that I had no purpose for being without that.  I focused more on my career and my own needs.  I moved to a large city and worked and worked some more.  I surrounded myself with material things and good friends, all the while trying to fill that hole in my heart. I gained strength and independence and realized that I didn’t NEED a man to make me happy.  I didn’t NEED someone to take care of me but I wished for someone to care for. 

 

I met my husband around this same time.  In the beginning I was so infatuated with him.  I have always seen JD as the strongest man I have ever known.  He was handsome and down to earth.  He had the same traditional family values that I had.  Over the last couple of years it has changed and we have sort of grown in different directions.  I felt that I was drowning and I think he has felt those same feelings.  We are so different in so many ways.  When a relationship starts having struggles, it isn’t always easy to recognize.  It started with simply feeling that we were disconnected and not knowing how to find that connection again.  As time has gone on the disconnect has grown and fostered feelings of extreme loneliness, of not being worthy.    I was being ignored.  We were constantly fighting and I don’t think either of us were able to consider what the other was feeling as we have NEVER communicated well.  Our life spiraled out of control.

 

We have considered separation.  We are at a point of no return and not sure which direction to go.  The last few months have left me completely exhausted and lost and feeling like my life is in total chaos.  I have been totally debilitated by it.  Everything has suffered, my job, my friendships, my relationships with my children.  If we split up where does that leave me?  I am defined by my role as a wife and a mother and if that changes it feels like I will implode!  I know now that he has had similar feelings.  We have come to a new understanding.  I am feeling again like I can function and so does he for the first time in a long time.  I am at peace and hopeful of whatever turn our life takes whether together or not.  We both know that we have things that need to change (for ourselves and our children) and we have chosen to move forward with some of those changes.  I am still very fearful.  There has been a lot of pain but there has also been a new understanding and knowledge that what brought us together in the first place still burns.  That we don’t know what the future holds in the long run but for the moment we can both breathe.  I am not looking far forward into the future I am simply living day by day and moment by moment.  I have gained strength through my friendships, and my faith in GOD.  I know that our children are our first priority and WE are our second.  It will work out how it is meant to be.  We don’t yet know what that will look like, whether it will be in the same capacity or a new one...That is in GOD’s hands…

Peace comes when you stop and breathe

I have been MIA for the last couple of weeks.  I have had a few trials, challenges, sad moments, and really great moments! I think that figuring out what I really needed has given me more strength than I have had for a while.  I was able to spend a little bit of time with close friends that I truly love, you gave me nourishment and strength to continue to fight the good fight.  I will be forever touched. Thank you guys, I love you.

I have had some challenges within my closest relationships.  Extreme difficulties can be exhausting.  It can make you feel like your entire world is caving in and it is really hard to function.  It is really hard to think clearly. It is hard to separate actions and feelings, and when feelings dictate actions things can get to a breaking point quickly. 

I have been reminded that I love my people for a reason.  It is what is inside each one of them that reaches out and grabs hold of what is inside me.  I am so blessed to have so much in my life.  My cousin in law was recently diagnosed with cancer.  It is heartbreaking!  She is so young and lives about an hour away from all of us.  she is in my prayers every day.  She is loved very much, and we are all sending her strength. Had a good day at the gym, thank you Stef for listening and giving me a better understanding of the genes lol.  I love my people!  All of you!

This next week is looking to very busy and hopefully I will be able to deepen some of the connections in my life.  I am really looking forward to getting back in the gym as my family issues have taken precedent this week and I sure am feeling the lack of exercise.  Today was a good start.  Tomorrow I will be in the gym again and back on my regular schedule.  I do have about a week left on my shots. I have not eaten well the last week either.  I get stressed out and then I do not eat. Then when I get hungry again and do eat, I eat badly.  I did okay today, it wasn't a total success but it was a good start back on the right path. 

I welcome change, I welcome peace, love, hope...I know that life brings constant motion.  That is what I love about it!!  I am moving forward with a new feeling of peace, of being loved and cared for and knowing that I will be able to ride the wave.  I move forward knowing that which may seem like a failure at the moment sometimes just needs a better plan. 

Confirmation!!

I got the results of my follow up blood work yesterday and I love good news.  I have taken metformin for the last 15 years.  One of my goals has been to control my hypoglycemia with my diet and get off the medication.  I have not seen my Dr. since he gave me the chantix to quit smoking 9 months ago.  Boy was he surprised LOL.  My doctor is an old school phsysician, he doesn't have the best bedside manner but he does give it to me straight. 

In the last ten months I have accomplished a few things.  I did quit smoking, I am eating clean and working hard to get my body in the best physical shape I can be.  I had a large goiter in my neck when I started.  It was big enough to see, it looked like a big swollen bump in the middle of my throat.  It is now gone and my thyroid is constrolled completely through medication and diet.  I am totally off all pain medication for my fibromyalgia, even the ibuprofin on most days.   Most of all I am officially off the metformin!  This medication is for Type  2 diabetes as well as hypoglycemics like me.  It has some terrible side effects which is mostly why I wanted to stop taking it. 

My blood sugar is completely under control.  I started to notice a change in the way the medication was affecting me a couple of months ago and I spoke to the nutritionist at the gym.  She suggested that my consistant plateaus could be from the medication.  As I have lost weight and gained more muscle over the last year my body has become leaner and I burn fuel much more efficiently now.  I am not eating the sugar or the fast carbs that I used to eat so my body doesn't go through the severe ups and downs with my blood sugar anymore. 

Being off the medication is huge for me!  It is a goal that I had set for myself from the very beginning.  I started this journey so that I could become healthier, stronger, and ensure that I would be around for a long time for my kids.  I feel that I am one step closer to that now and it's truly a wonderful thing to see and feel the results of all this hard work!! 

I so wish I had started this years ago!  There is so much that I have missed.  Im not going to miss anymore.  One day at a time, one step at a time.  It certainly is not a race but journey.  It's a lifelong change.  I feel like I woke up from a long sleep and am finally moving forward.  This is confirmation that I am doing well, that I'm on the right path.  Celebrate every success!!

Nerf Gun Wars

My brother-in-law is a great guy...  He is loud and annoying and very caring.  He lives out of state and isn't always able to come home for the holidays but a few years ago he did come for Christmas.  Rick decided to ambush the entire family with a Nerf Gun War.  There must have been 20 different guns and I know there were over 4000 bullets.  It was epic!  Everyone got involved. It really was a lot of fun and thus started the King family Nerf Gun Wars.  He gave my children all of the guns and all of the bullets (I am still finding them all over my house). 

So now when I want to celebrate something with my kids or to relieve some stress I pull out the Nerf Guns.  My son elected to have a nerf gun birthday party last year and it was sooo much fun!!  My point here is...having something like this that means a lot to my family and is a way for all of us to blow off some steam and just have some fun is a beautiful thing.  It gives all of us an oppurtunity to enjoy time with each other.  It has been a while since we had an epic Nerf Gun battle in my house but I think that we may just need to pull those guns out again. 

Thank you Rick for inadvertantly giving my family a new tradition.  It is a reminder that we need to have a little fun and a little craziness once in a while, even when we grow up!!  I have been feeling much better the last couple of days.  Staying on my food plan and working hard for the next two weeks.  My funk from the other day has subsided thanks to a wonderful friend that simply expressed to me that we all have those same feelings of being not enough sometimes but that it's okay and this too shall pass. 

I did go to the gym morning and evening yesterday and was there bright and early today.  I did weigh in this morning unofficially and I am down 5 pounds so far this week YAY!!! perhaps the the plateau has broken through.  A family commitment tonight will prevent me from going to the gym again but I do plan to have a serious session with the "total gym"  that has been lurking in my basement unused for some time now so at least I will be able to to accomplish something while not sacrificing my family time.  So far this is shaping up to be a great week and I am staying positive and happy and looking forward to having some fun! What are you doing to keep moving and having fun today?

Sunday evening family time....

This has been a really rough week for me.  I have been sick, I mean really sick.  I really never expected to end up feeling as bad as I did.  It's the first real cold and flu I've had since quitting smoking.  I underestimated it.  So, I haven't been able to workout pretty much most of the week.  I did wake up feeling a ton better today whew.  I mean it has been all week...

Now that I am feeling better physically  I'm having a hard time mentally today.  Because I haven't been able to work out and I'm worried that I have lost ground.  I know I probably haven't dropped any weight this week. I don't feel like I've gained but I really, really want to have good results for the next two weeks.  I'm obsessing over it.  Today I did pretty well, I did not got to the gym however, I stayed on plan with my food intake.  I made homemade carmel cinnamon rolls this morning for my monsters but I stayed on plan with grapefruit and strawberries. My kids have been so good to me the last few days.  It is a rare occurance that I am down for the count and not able to do ALL of the mom stuff and I stress over it and feel guilty about not cooking every night and doing baths every other night.  I know it sounds overdramatic and maybe the cold blocked all common sense as well but that's how I feel.  Just sensitive to every thing I guess.

I admit that I live by my emotions and that it often leads me astray but I feel everything so intensly and I would not ever want it to be any different even when what I am feeling is negative.  I am a very happy person most of the time.  Even through my insecurities and vulnerabilities I'm smiling.  But every once in while I need reassurance just like everyone else.  Today is one of those days where I am feeling that I am not enough...or perhaps too much I don't know...

Tomorrow is another day and this funk hopeully won't last but for today it's weighing on me. I have spent most of the day just being here with my monsters.  They sure do fight just like biological siblings lol  but they are sooo funny right now.  they woke up and got so excited over the cinnamon rolls and both of them had hands washed and ready to help bake in 10 seconds.  

Even doing chores we had the music on loud and Adrianna was singing and everybody was sort of dancing lol.   but we were all getting along and it was a beautiful moment.  We haven't had enough of those around here lately....I have to find the happy place again for us.   I'm ready to let the funk go, I am ready to wake up and feel like my self again...

Where does your motivation come from?

I have spoken to several friends lately that tell me they wish they had my motivation and I started thinking about what motivates each of us.  I get motivation from several places.  First of all the people in my life motivate me to be a better person, they give me strength.  My kids motivate me to make healthier choices every day, because without them my life wouldn't have meaning.  So what motivates you?  What is the one thing that would give you the strength to start a healthier lifestyle today?  What if the person you loved most asked you to start taking better care of yourself would that be the thing that got you to the gym that day?  What if your doctor gave you bad news about a health condition would that be the thing that got you to take better care of yourself?   Would it be your spouse or your children or your friends supporting you?

Inspiration often comes from different places and it can affect different parts of your life.  My friends that are travelling their own weight loss journeys inspire me every day.  Knowing that I made a promise to my kids really inspires me because failure is not an option.  I get support every day and without it I would not have gotten this far.  My daughter high fives me daily and tells me that she is proud that I am doing what I'm doing.  My friends tell me and show me how proud they are of me.  I am lucky enough to have some really close friends that I truly love with all my heart and they keep me going.  There are people in my circle that are not supportive of this journey.  I am not sure why.  I think some of it is the insecurities of their own, Perhaps not being able to make that decision for me,  I don't really know.  In the beginning it was really heartbreaking for me but as time has gone by and I have worked so hard to get to the place I am in my personal renovation project,  I had to turn away from those that were unable to support me in this journey.  I realized that I cannot change those feelings for either of us but I can change how I react to it.  I have also realized just how fragile my heart is.  I have realized that I have allowed others feelings to cause me great pain, it still causes me pain.  However, it also gives me courage and strength to finally put myself first.

If someone that loved you was there to push you gently to make some difficult changes would that be enough to move you?  Making the decision is the hardest part, once you are there just close your eyes and take a step.  Do not think about it, do not talk yourself out of it, simply FEEL IT and DO IT...by the same token if someone that loved you were against your decisions and not understanding of the reasons why you need to do what you need to do, would you let that affect the rest of your life?  Would you put aside what you need?

I want to support and inspire those that I love!  I want you to take that first step, no thinking no excuses.  Let me inspire you.  Then inspire someone else, we are all connected,  I am thankful for so much in my life!  I am scared to death of making the wrong choice and moving backword instead of forward but I know that I am learning each day, I am loving my people each day, and I am moving.  I will never stop moving.  This is not just about the amount of weight I lose, it's about being better in all ways...  It's about finding myself and loving the person I find.  It is truly a lifelong change.  These things are what motivates me.   Let me ask you again, what motivates you?

Almost to the finish line

I weighed in yesterday and realized that I am only about 25 pounds away from my original goal!  I have lost 118 pounds so far!  The realization hit me hard because I still feel fat!  I look in the mirror every day and sometimes I don't really recognize the face staring back at me and other times, I think there is no way I have lost that much cuz I still feel fat.   I struggle with it every day.  I am sure now that I will struggle with this self image every day for the rest of my life.  I realized that it probably won't matter how much weight I lose, I will still have insecurities.  So, I have made a decision.

I know that I am a good person, I know that I have a good heart and it is just as much what is on the inside of me as it is what is on the outside of me.  I went through all my old pictures and chose one that really shows just how big I used to be.  This picture was taken the day that we adopted our son.  It was taken in court and it is really painful to look at.  That moment was a moment of celebration during a time in my life when everything was falling apart!  It was a beautiful moment that we worked toward for 3 years as foster parents with Hayden, hoping and praying that GOD would not take him from us.  It was very stressful and it was the time that I was the heaviest I have ever been, you can see it!

I am making myself look in the mirror now and focus on happiness and celebrations!  I am celebrating every moment no matter how big or how small, I am saying Ta-da!  I have lost 118 pounds!  Ta-da! I quit smoking! Ta-da!  I smiled today!  I am stronger and healthier and most of all HAPPIER than I have ever been in my entire adult life and I am going to celebrate it from the beginning to the end!  I am the same size today as Marilyn Monroe.  She was one of the most beautiful women in the world, I have always loved my curves and never really wanted to lose them completely, I forgot about that until now.  I am celebrating my curves, I am celebrating my happiness and my strength!  Celebrate yours!  Ta-da!

Coming Home

I have been out of town in training all week.  Getting home today is like letting out my breath.  It has been a week full of so much that my brain is still spinning.  I hate being away from home for that long.  I am unable to relax.  I miss my kids and worry consantly that things at home will not function without me (commonly referred to as control issues).   I am out of my element and experience a certain degree of sress when I am away from home and although I was in the company of some really great women it was a long week.

I started my shots again last saturday and although I have not been able to weigh in, I am feeling that I have lost around 10-15 pounds so far or maybe thats just wishful thinking.  I have been using the gym in my hotel every morning and a couple of evenings.  I stayed pretty well within my food plan.  I did try to drink as much water as I could.  I typically do not sleep well in hotels.  and it is hard to stick to a weight loss plan when you are travelling. 

My relationships have also suffered some this week.  Aside from being away from all of those that I love, I was finding that communications between me and those people in my life kind of fell apart the last 2 days.  My children were staying with grandma because JD was working a lot and I was not able to get a hold of them to say goodnight the last two nights.   It was Valentine's Day and being unable to spend that time where I wanted to be instead of alone and away from home was hard.  I have felt very lonely and really missing my people.  I was able to have a great conversation with my best friend and that seemed to help as well as running into a lifelong friend at my hotel and being a witness to her boyfriend surprising her with a proposal.  It was such a great moment.  I am so happy for her. 

I feel that I may have upset a couple of friends that are very close to me .  All I can say is I'm sorry, I did not intend to upset them and I should have perhaps engaged my brain before writing.  It does happen on occasion (more than often in my case as I do not have a filter most days)  but know that I love ya and I will be back to normal now that my routine has returned. 

I think my children are also feeling it, I came home to major behavioral problems with Adrianna and Hayden isolating with his video game.  I took them for ice cream and then they seemed to fall apart too.  Hopefully we can all get a good night's sleep and tomorrow is another day.   I need to get back to my regular schedule.  I am going to spinning class and yoga tomorrow and then I will be back on track.  I am going to spend time with my kiddos.

I am going to weigh when I go to the gym tomorrow and will have a better idea of whether I was successful with plan this week or not.  Not much to celebrate but I am staying positive.  In my training I was reminded of the Ta-Da cape.  Wearing a Ta-Da cape every day and celebrating every tiny achievement helps you focus and stay on the path to being joyful in spite of the stress.  It's good to be home!

  

Welcome back

I haven't posted for a while.  The last week or so, I have been so very sick.  Today is the first day that I have really felt like myself again.  I am happy to be back to me.  Trying to stay on track as much as possible when sick.  I have not been able to work out as much as I usually do and I can definitely feel the difference.  The flu is a miserable thing.  It has been difficult to stay on my food plan as well due to the fact that I simply have been hungry at all and not really been eating much.

I went to the gym this morning and expected that I would be a little bit weak and struggle getting back into the routine again. I was wrong.  I did 35 minutes on the eliptical followed by 15 minutes on the bike and then a solid set of strength training for my arms chest and shoulders.  I felt so good when I left that I put my favorite song on my Ipod rolled the windows down and sang and smiled all the way home.  I feel really good today.  I did go back after work for a while and just ran 3 miles. 

My weigh in for the biggest loser this week did not go well as expected I gained one pound but I feel okay about it since I was relly under the weather.  The first day or so I still went to work out, I had a lighter day that day just yoga and 30 minutes of cardio but ended up feeling worse than before.  It kind of put things in perspective....Rest is as important as the work I do every day!  I will start my hcg shots again on saturday morning and I can't wait to get going again.  i will  post pictures after my first round. 

Bring me brownies and I'll follow you anywhere

My weigh in yesterday was a success.  I am down 7.8 and won the biggest loser for the second week in a row, yay!  Today I behaved myself and went to the gym before and after work.  I needed to clear my head of some seriously negative energy.  I walked out feeling refreshed and smiling again. 

My daily workouts save me, truly!  I did not make a great food choice for lunch but I have to say I make a mean chicken enchilada!  Just need to revise my old recipe to make it healthier.  I love, love, love, to cook.  I cook all the time, this has always been one of the things that led to my being fat.  Would you trust a skinny cook?  I used to tell people "I'm a really good cook, can't you tell by looking at my ass?"  These days I can't really say that anymore lol. 

I am teaching my daughter to cook, it is fun time with her.  I love those moments!!  We used to bake cookies regulary but now we make things like trek bars and we are working on a recipe for homemade granola bars that are lower in sugar and fat (hopefully) but will still taste amazing.  It's all about the senses for me.  It's important that food tastes great, smells yummy, and looks irrisistably good.  I need help coming up with recipes of old favorite comfort foods or snack foods that I can change to be healthier. 

I am working on putting together a bunch of recipes that have been modified to be better.  My all time favorite weakness is brownies.  I love chocolate, It is sweet, rich, melt in your mouth good and what other food is as sensual as chocolate.  Nothing my friend! I have yet to find a really mouth watering brownie recipe that is healthy.  If you know of any please post and I will follow you anywhere.

Taking a moment to check in.... to realize that even though bad days happen it's very important to find blissful moments.  Today I have had several blissful moments that changed my attitude.  Some really great conversations with a couple of friends that I love with all my heart.  Laughing with my co-workers and when I came home I was greeted with a  very loud and warm "We missed you today mommy" and lots of hugs from my children.  AAAHHH, What a great life I have.  I am spending the rest of evening snuggling with my kiddos and listening to the great things they have to tell me.  Good night all,,,

You never know what the future holds

A very special friend today told me that you never know what the future holds. It got me thinking about the future and the present and of course the past. I believe that we, the human race control our futures for the most part. It is about what you want out of life and what you are willing to put out into the Universe to get it. Over the last year and a half I have made many changes in my life. Some of those changes sprang from adversity and a dark time and some were inspired by the people that I love. Change can be difficult because it is uncertain. It is easy to get comfortable and therefore complacent within our daily lives, to accept that which makes us unhappy for the fear that if it changes it could be worse. Or perhaps that we will fail or disappoint someone we love.

I believe that GOD will clear the path to our dreams even when it seems impossible. If someone had told me 10 years ago that I would be where I am today or especially that I would have my children. I would have fallen off my chair laughing, thinking there is no way I could get there. I was surviving my life every day just trying to get through each moment and planning for the day in my future that everything would finally go my way. That day never came, it was always elusive, a fantasy. I don’t believe that any more. I have taken charge of my future and my present. I LIVE each moment. I say things that are inappropriate at times. I do things that make my children cringe at times, but that is all part of me. It is how I see the world. The past, present, and future are all connected. Sometimes the past springs into the present and gives you a second chance. It is what you do with that second chance that matters.

I love the changes that I have made and will continue to make as I grow. We should never stop growing, or living. I am no longer willing to simply accept anything that makes me unhappy. I am very excited about the future, I have learned from the past and I attempt daily to live in the moment and enjoy the things and the people that are part of my Universe. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I say what I feel at the very moment that I feel it. I don’t want to leave anything unsaid that should have been said. I want the people that I love to know every moment that I love them and I want my children to know that they CAN make their dreams come true. I also want them to know that they CAN make a difference in the lives of others. 

I am gearing up for the biggest loser weigh in tomorrow and feeling very good about my choices this week, I won last week, I have been eating clean all week and have gone to the gym every day, pushing through the pain of a fibro flair up and staying on track. wish me luck!

Relationships

Saturdays are my most intense workout day of the entire week.  This week I just wasn't feeling it but I went anyway because I have a lot going on right now and need this.  I have always said that my heavy exercise regimen is my favorite anti-depressant and that has never been more true than today.

It has been a week of changes at work, at first I was very unhappy but chose to look at my work situation with a positive attitude and I realized that I have been wanting this all along I just didn't realize it.  I am switching departments and will be working with some amazing ladies again.  I am very excited about being able to do the kind of work that I enjoy the most....helping people...It took a couple days to get here but I think it is going to be a great change. 

It has been a week of challenges, challenges with my relationships....We have had an extended house guest that is putting everyone on edge a little as it is not the most ideal situation, stress....so much stress...I think we are all feeling it.  My children need a reset button as well.  Adrianna got in trouble in school and they have been fighting constantly.  And my relationship with Jd, well it's being challenged more than usual...

I decided this morning when getting ready to go workout that after, I would spend some quality time with my kiddos.  I miss them during the day.  I took them back to the gym with me to play raquetball, we had a great time, within a few minutes we were all 3 smiling and feeling a little more relaxed.  It wasn't at all about the game it was just about being together and getting our bodies moving.

My relationships are very important to me, all of them.  Sometimes you just have to take a few minutes to connect with the people in your universe whether it is your romantic relationships or your children, friends, or co-workers.  It is not always easy to spend time with those you love but doing so can keep you connected, it makes you strong and it makes you generally happier.

My favorite time at the end of day is snuggling with my monsters in my king size bed watching a movie and just listening to them...you can learn a lot from an 11 year old and 7 year old.  This is balance.  I love the balance and my daughter told me that she thinks I'm "foxy" I laughed so hard at her use of that word that we both almost fell off the bed.  You have to love they way they see the world......Lots of laughter and snuggles.  I can't imagine a better end to a pretty good day....

biggest loser weigh in

This morning was the second weigh in for the biggest loser game in my office.  I did not do so well last week and I was really feeling some aprehension about today.  Why is it that I can get so worked up about the number?  It has been ruling my mind and my life for far too long.  Even now that I have lost so much weight that number still defines me.

I try hard to not let the number make such an impact on my success and my failure but I struggle with it every time.  I did good this week.  I stayed on my food plan.  I worked out every day, most days before and after work.  I drank plenty of water but still I was so worried about the number.  I went to the gym this morning at 5am.  I did 20 minutes on the elliptical and then went downstairs and sat in the sauna for half an hour.  It was great!  I took that 30 minutes out of my workout for one day to re-set.  I love my re-set buttons.  It was there, alone, in the sauna with my music playing in my ear buds that I was able to subdue my evil thoughts about the number and focus on my goals for the rest of the week.  An opportunity to gather my thoughts and pick out my big girl panties. 

It is mid week and I am focused and moving forward.  I still did not eat breakfast or drink my water before my weigh in but did take it with me so that I could stay on plan.  It is a competition after all so I have to pay some attention to the number I just can't let it take over.  You see I have given it an identity of it's own.  Now, I am chipping away at that and taking it back.  Steve, the wonderful man that is "weight taker" at work tells me every week that it's all relative.  He makes me very comfortable at that most uncomfortable of times.  It is relative, it's the work I have done this week, it's staying on my food plan and celebrating my little successes all week.  the number is fading into the background.  Deep breath, look, down 6.3 pounds.  I'll take that.

Feeling good again

I have been in the gym every day for the last 2 weeks and I am feeling much better.  My body pain is far less again and my energy levels are up.  My Hcg has not come in yet but I expect it to be here within the week.  I have a weigh in tomorrow for the biggest loser game in my office.  I am more confident than last week.  During last weeks weigh in I had gained two pounds over the week before however the scale at my gym and the scale that I have did not reflect any gain.  In retrospect, I think I knew it was a gain week.  I did cheat on my food plan a couple of times and I didn't drink enough water.  This week I focused on those things and I have stayed true to eating clean.  I am feeling stronger and leaner, it is a great thing.  I came across some pictures that kind of show my progress so far. 

This picture of me and my daughter was taken in 2010.  This was at my heaviest weight.  it is difficult to look at for me as it represents a depressing time.  It also represents the beginning....

These were taken about half way to my goal weight.  I still have a long way to go and thats just to get to my goal weight then it's the rest of my life.....

Post Holiday Haze

The last couple of weeks have left me in a post holiday haze.  I decided to let go for the last two weeks of December and felt very confident that I would be able to maintain enough self control to not undo everything I have accomplished within the last year.  Boy was I wrong!

Okay so perhaps I haven't completely unrraveled but close.  I have gained back about 18 pounds.  I stopped going to gym as much and just pretty much ate whatever I felt like.  It amazes me how fast and how easy it was to fall back into old habits!  It is now January 10, 2013 and I am back in the saddle.

I have never been into New Year's resolutions because they simply don't work, if it lasts through the first week of January, it usually doesn't last much longer than that.  I have made major life changes over the past year and this year is simply a continuation of my personal renovation plan.  I joined a biggest loser group at my office so for the next 11 weeks I will be held accountable by those people that I spend every day with.  What was I thinking?!  Oh yes, accountability, and motivation.  I am very competitive and plan to win this contest.  I have decided to go back on the HCG shots for another round, possibly two.  I will start them as soon as they come in (about 2 weeks).  In the meantime I am back on my food plan, eating clean and back at the gym and I have to say that I really missed it!!

I am looking forward to changes this year in all aspects of my journey and my life.  I am closing the door to that which has passed and opening a door to new experiences.  Bring on 2013, got my big girl panties on and I'm ready to kick some butt!!!