Weigh in day...gained 5 pounds

I have taken 3 days off of my workout this week and haven't really been following my food plan.  I had decided to take a couple of weeks during the holidays and slow down a little and allow myself to indulge in the season.  I knew that I would most likely not lose this week.  I hoped that I would simply hold my weight, I prepared my psyche in case I gained.... good thing too, I gained 5 pounds. 

Okay, so I can look at this in one of two ways.  I had given myself permission to go off my plan and 5 pounds will not devastate me or  I could feel guilty that I went the opposite direction from where I want to go.  I decided that I do not have room for the guilt in my life. 


This journey is not just about renovating my body, it about renovating me, inside and out.  I am surrounding myself with positive things and positive people.  I am allowing my happiness and the happiness of those around me to be my guiding light.  I have had to really look at myself and and when you honestly scrutinize your life, you have to take responsibility for what is you and actively make the decision to change it.  This last couple of weeks spending  more time with my family and really enjoying the holidays was my reset button, I got my big girl panties on now and ready to get back on track and start this new year already in motion

staying present during the season

This is hardest time of the year for most of us that are trying to stay on plan.  At work we have what we call the twelve days of Christmas every Holiday season.  Or as my Boss called it the twelve pounds of Christmas.  We are assigned to bring treats each of twelve days in December, usually there are 2 or 3 assigned to any given day.  Oh my, talk about testing everyone's resolve!!  I have developed a strategy that seemed to work fine, yeah right, it never works fine, we cheat and then guilt ourselves and get stressed out and eat badly.  I just decided that between the stress of the holiday season and all the get togethers with friends, and family, and co-workers it was a losing battle. 

I gave my self a two week "vacation" from the diet plan.  Now this is not to say I can go crazy and undo all the work I have done for the last year.  I am simply allowing myself to not burdened with yet something else right now.  I am enjoying my family and friends.  I eat what I feel like eating within reason of course.  I am still going to the gym every day and have increased the intensity of my work outs but I have added an extra Yoga class this week to relieve some stress and I am really staying active. 

I spent many years simply struggling so much that I was surviving my life but not really enjoying it.  I have learned to pay attention now and when things start to build up I take some time to reset.  That reset buttom sometimes is just hanging out with my kids, and sometimes it's good friends and long conversations.  It doesn't have to be anything rigid just whatever activity that makes me feel good at that moment and allows me to take a breath.  Whatever I cannot control right now  I am just letting go of and I will pick it back up when I am ready for that battle again.  Enjoy your Christmas season, enjoy your family and friends.  My yoga instructor today said that one of the greatest gifts we can give each other is to stay present!!!  She's got it right and I am staying present and loving Christmas!!!

Weigh in day

Weigh in day! Normally this day causes me so much anxiety!  I start planning a couple days before my weigh in day.  I start thinking about which clothes I am going to wear because that will add weight.  I plan how much and when I eat on that day and I how much water I drink that day.  That number on the scale, it is one of the scariest things for me.  There is no other part of my life where a number can have the affect that this does.  It is the determining factor between having a great day and having a terrible day.  It has come to define my successes or my failures.  Today what will it be?  Will it be lower?  stay the same?  and OMG could I have gained??!!

Throughout this journey the scale has been my nemesis.  In the beginning it was the only thing I had to measure what was happening to my body.  It was too early to physically see any changes to my body but the scale, the scale showed me when I had a great day and when I cheated.  It kept me honest because I knew if it didn't move I would be battling a deep depression until it did. And to the opposite exteme, I felt like I was on top of the world when It went down big!  During my second round of HCG I was averaging daily losses of 3-5 pounds!! No, it's not a typo I was losing so much so fast I could physically feel it.   It is so hard to explain but I started to feel smaller in relation to the universe and everything in it.  I knew how much space my person was taking because i could feel it.

I have plateaued a couple of times and it was devastating. I realized during these times that I was so desperate for some change to that number on the scale that I was actually doing myself more harm than good.  I would not eat anything throughout the day causing my body to shift to starvation mode.   And I would start thinking about sabotage.  I had to really look at why I was letting this defeat me and learn to deal with it. I am keeping a food journal during this journey.  Now  I can exercise more or adjust my food plan to allow a little treat because I know everything I am eating.  

Yesterday was Weigh in day.  It was an amazing day!  To date, I have lost 100 pounds!  a whole person! and I swear she lived in my bra and around my waist!! I am so far into this journey and I will reach my goal.  I will continue to get strong!

Saturday

Saturday is my favorite day of the week to workout.  Now that I have been at this for a while, I have developed a schedule with my workouts.  Saturday is my toughest day of the week.  Today I did 20 minutes on the elliptical machine.  I love that thing, It is my favorite thing for cardio.  then I did some weight training, with heavier weights and fewer reps this time,  then 10 minutes cardio again on the bike and another few sets on the weights.  I had a few minutes before my Yoga class so I decided to run a mile on the indoor track and then went to Yoga for an hour and 15 minutes. 

For me to think that I do this much in one day and walk out of the gym sweating and smiling and feeling great!!! At my heaviest weight I could not have ever imagined that I would be doing this a year later.  I used to get so light headed and my calves and thighs would burn after about 3 minutes on the elliptical machine.  JD and I took a trip to Montana to go fly fishing right after we got married.  On the way we went to Lewis and Clark Caverns.  Beautiful living caves but to get there you have to walk I think it's a mile uphill along a regular walking path.  I had to stop every few feet because I couldn't breathe.  It was the most miserable experience.  I held up the entire group over and over, finally my sister-in-law came back to walk with me.  I was so embarrassed and I felt like I was totally going to die! I know Stef was frustrated but bless her heart she never said a word.  So much of my life was restricted because of my weight, it dictated everything I did and how I did it, either I would be embarrassed or just flat not able to do most things, but in my heart I really wanted to be a part of it.   I was always thinking of what activities I could do and what I couldn't do.  The couldn't do list was longer than the could do list.....Time  for a new list!!!!

Just how long is this going to last?

When I started this journey I dont really think that anyone in my immediate circle thought I would really do very well at it.  My husband would ask me almost daily "just how long is this going to last?"  I get up at 4am every day and as hard as I try to not wake him, just rolling out of bed wakes him up.  I work a full time job and when I get off work I go straight to the gym for an hour every evening.  I also go for a couple of hours on Saturday and sometimes Sunday.  That schedule also means that my family have had to make some changes as well and take on more responsibilities.  It is the first time since getting married that I have taken on something so life changing and so "just for me".

It has become my lifeline, My new favorite anti-depressant.  The more I go, the more I want to go and when I don't go my body tells me with aches and soreness and lethargy.  I sleep better than I have in years and I am all around a much happier person.  And guess what it spreads to everyone else! 
This is not something that will go away after a few months.  It's different this time and I feel like I will never go back! I still have about 35 pounds that I want to lose but now it's less about the number on the scale and more about how I feel, my shape is still changing each week and I can feel that I am getting physically stronger each week.  I am eating healthier.  I have begun following the food lovers fat loss system, with some modifications.  It's a good eating plan for the rest of my life not just while I am losing weight but I believe that you have to customize every diet or workout schedule that you decide to follow.  I know my body and how it reacts to everything, food, stressers, environment, exercise, etc.  so I know what should work for me and if it doesn't then I will make adjustments. 

I think it will take another year or so before I am in the physical shape that I want to be in but it is a lifelong change because when I get there, I plan to stay there....sorry honey...

My first day at the gym

I have been overweight all of my life.  I have never really tried to seriously lose weight so this was all very new to me.  I had already lost just over 60 pounds which is about half of what I needed to lose.  I had been walking slowly, then increased to walking every day.  I slowly started running!  OMG I had not run for even a short distance in over 10 years!  I was feeling very confident.  My family was starting to notice along with my friends and I felt great. 

It was the end of summer and the weather was getting cold and I was starting to feel like I needed more.  I could feel the pull of my daily exercise schedule and it was feeling more like an addiction.  I had traded my addiction to nicotine and bad food for an addiction to getting fit.  A pretty good trade I must admit.  Still, I needed more.  I decided to join a local gym.  I had a membership a couple of years ago at a large commercial gym and although the facility was big and shiny with new fancy equipment, everytime I walked in the door I was treated badly.  I am not a tiny little Barbie girl going to the gym to find a boyfriend.  I noticed that the staff seemed to shun people like me.  People that needed to be there.  People that were there to get healthy.  Yet the girls who were young and cute and in shape were treated by the staff like gold.  I chose to keep looking.  I live in a very rural area and so finding a gym that didn't fit this mold was not a super easy task. 

I did go to a much older facility in town, I met with the owner who gave me a tour and I immediately felt better.  There were people of all ages and sizes.  They all seemed to be there for the same reason I was there.  I was soooo excited!!  I got all ready, I got my "gym" bag ready, filled with workout clothes and headphones for my music and I was ready!  Thinking about going to excercise and getting so excited was the most foreign thing ever to me.  I had always HATED exercise.  This time was different, It's about saving my life now.  I didn't sleep well because I couldn't stop thinking about it.  I went over the gym's class schedule and memorized every class time and made a schedule of what I wanted to do and when.  A couple of days passed and it was time.  The day had come for me to go to my first gym day! 

I set out my clothes the night before, I checked and double checked the schedule to make sure I knew what time they opened.  I got up at 4am and ready to go, I got my water bottle, my gym bag and off I went.  They opened at 5am and I had wanted to be there when they opened.  I was sitting in the parking lot along with a group of other individuals (regulars) anxiously awaiting for the doors to open.  At last, the girl unlocked the front door.  Everyone started getting out of their cars and going inside.  I was stuck, My body felt like I was glued to my seat.  All of the sudden every insecurity I ever had reared up and took over.  What if people stared at me?  What would I do when I got in there?  What if I couldn't keep up?  I'm too fat to be here.  I sat in my car that morning for 45 minutes unable to get out.  I was frightened, defeated, heart broken.  I never did get out of my car, I sat there and cried and then went home.  I was so angry at myself, I felt I was being ridiculous and I vowed that next day I would go again.  The next morning with much less fan fare I got up at 4am again and got dressed and went to the gym.  This time I did not think, I did not allow myself to get scared or insecure, I just got out of my car and went inside!  I worked out on the bicycle and the elliptical machine and watched everyone around me.  These people were there for the same reason I was!  By the end of my first workout I knew I was over the hump and I would never be embarrassed again!  I have been going 6 days per week ever since.  Most of the regulars notice when I don't come now and it is a great feeling.  I know that I can do this!!  Every first on this journey adds to my confidence, it adds to my enthusiasm and I am going to do this!!

getting off my butt

Making the decision was the easy part.  Actually getting off my butt and makeing the changes were not quite so easy.  I heard about a hormone that was suppose to be the miracle for weight loss and decided to try it.  HCG, the pregnancy hormone.  It is the new thing in weight loss.  It is a 500 calorie diet that includes small amounts of protein, lots of fruits and veggies, drinking a gallon of water daily, and daily injections of the pregnancy hormone in my stomach.  From the very first day I could feel the difference.  I have always jumped into whatever I decide to do with both feet.  I never do anything half way and this was no different.  I started the first 23 day cycle and was able to stay on plan.  I lost 28 pounds.  I was worried that I would gain back all of it as soon as I stopped the plan.  It is not a sustainable diet for any length of time but for a fast start, it really worked for me.  I took a few months before my second round and immediately went back to my old habits.  I am addicted to food.  I love food. I eat for all the reasons people should not eat.  Boredom, depression, sadness, celebrations, you name it, it involved food.  Surprisingly though I only gained back about 5 pounds.  Then I slowly started walking and a few months later I did another 23 day cycle on the HCG.  This time I walked every day.  7 days a week.  Huge success!!! I lost 41 pounds in 23 days! 

My decision to begin this journey

My decision to begin this journey was a simple one, I promised my daughter, and I promised myself.  At 42 years old and 297 Pounds I was in bad shape.  I have smoked a pack a day of cigarettes for the past 24 years.  I called it my 24 year love affair with nicotine.  I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia when I was at the heaviest weight I had  ever been.  Most days my body hurt so much that just walking up the stairs would make me cry.  I am pretty tough.  I have a high tolerance for pain but this was unbearable.  I wasn't at all active, I did not exercise because it just hurt to move.  My arms and legs felt like each extremity weighed hundreds of pounds individually.  My body was foreign to me. I would look in the mirror and think what is this?  My chest felt so big and heavy it was like I was really swollen from my stomach and chest up into my neck and face. My daughter had been asking me for months to quit smoking and I started thinking about what would happen to my family if I had a heart attack?  It was a very real concern.  I made a promise to my daughter that I would quit and get healthy and happy and be around for a long time.  It has been a year so far, I quit smoking and I am
-95 pounds into my journey and  it has been an emotional one, and a physical one.   My personal renovation project is under way...