Reactive Attachment

Life  is challenging these days.  Raising a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder is a constant roller coaster of love, guilt, inadequacy, and frustration.  There are so many moments that I have questioned my abilities as a mother.  So many moments when I have questioned whether or not I have the Hutzpah to give my daughter everything she needs while maintaining my sanity and the rest of my family relationships, and the rest of my life.

 RAD is a disorder that makes it very difficult for my daughter to feel emotions the way the rest of the world does.  She struggles every day with so many things.  Relationships, friendships, even family relationships are hard for her.  She does not have the little voice in the back of her head that the rest of us have, the voice that helps us make decisions.  She struggles a lot with her identity and with her self esteem.

 When I first made the decision to become an adoptive parent, I wanted to be a mom so badly that even though I knew that I may be raising a child that has been abused and has issues associated with that abuse, I didn’t really understand what that meant.  Even when I met her, she was this beautiful 3 year old that seemed happy and vibrant.  Within moments of being introduced to her she crawled into JD’s lap and politely asked him to read her a story.  We were both totally smitten from that very moment.  I had been told that she had been diagnosed with RAD but I didn’t have any idea what it was or what it meant.  I saw this little angel and thought there is no way she can be anything other than “normal” and I couldn’t wait to be her mother!  As she has grown she has both struggled at times and at times seemed to have no issues and we all have become much more knowledgeable about her disorder.  We have seen many symptoms manifest and then fade away only for something else to show up later.  Through it all my love for her has multiplied thousands and thousands of times.

 Sometimes we really battle.  My child has a vibrant personality.  She is very charismatic and people are drawn to her initially and that is part of what makes RAD so difficult is that others only get to see the charming, beautiful girl that she wants them to see and they can’t understand the issues that she has.  I always felt like I was determined to “fix” her.   Well, it’s not that simple and when I realized that I could not “fix” her I started feeling helpless.  I felt like a bad mother, after all mothers are supposed to be able to do everything for their children.  The stress at times is overwhelming for our entire family and when she is on a rampage it affects us all in a very big way.

 My beautiful girl has really been struggling lately and we have had to work on getting her through it.  I know that as she grows she will experience difficulties that she does not understand and cannot control, difficulties beyond the normal growing pains.  She has been my primary focus this last week and we are spending some girl time to recharge and rejuvenate…

 I have not really followed anything this week as my focus has been on my family.  I have been to gym 3 days this week so far, I am looking forward to going tomorrow (my heaviest workout day of the week) and releasing some tension and some stress.  I am also gaining control of my food plan again and tomorrow I am back on track.  I am committing to staying on plan this week no matter how hectic it gets and I am committing to getting to the gym every day.

Staying Motivated

My goal for this week was to lose 5 more pounds and keep my body moving as well as keeping my family moving.  I have lost 4 pounds this week so I am a little shy of my goal but it just makes me want to work harder this next week.  I am determined to lose 20 more pounds within the next 30 days.  I have been staying on plan pretty well and exercising every day.  It seems that the closer I get to my final goal the harder it is to actually lose the pounds. 

 We are now on a roll with our regular summer family bike rides.  Yesterday we decided to pack a picnic basket and take it the park.  We went for a two hour bike ride which ended up back at the park for our little picnic.  It is wonderful family time with the kiddos and I am chalking up those mommy memory moments that I love so much.  It also gives all of us the opportunity to get out in the sunshine and get some exercise.

 It has definitely been a busy week.  This was the first week of summer vacation for my kiddos. Coming up with activities for them to do every day while they are home has taken some creative thinking.  I have planned an activity for them to do each day of the week to keep them entertained without sitting in front of the television or the video games all day long.  I am still looking for other suggestions as we need to fill their days for the rest of the summer and it needs to be something that they can do mostly on their own (unsupervised).  Adrianna has been very responsible and proving that she can be home during the day like other 12 year olds and not confined to Day Care.  I am intensely proud of her. 

 JD and I had to drive down to my mom’s place to deliver a table.  I have found that taking every opportunity to spend some quality time together strengthens our relationship and we truly enjoy each other.  We decided to take the scenic route since my parents live about an hour away out in the country.  It was a beautiful day, it was beautiful drive!  We took a detour and drove up in the mountains on the way home so that we could talk and laugh and just enjoy having some of those kid free moments together.  It turned out to be one of the most romantic days we have had in a very long time. Every relationship needs to be nurtured every day, even if it is just stealing a few hours with your partner away from stress and the every day routine of life.  It reminded me of the way it used to be when we first met and couldn’t keep our hands off each other. 

 I found a couple of really great finds at an estate sale for the basement.  It is coming along slowly but I am getting very excited by the transformation.  The paint will be going on the walls next week once the wall that we had to rebuild is complete.  Then it will be just a matter of putting everything back together.  I am working on my frame project this week as well as figuring out some different lighting options down there.  I have also broken out the sewing machine and Adrianna and I will be making pillows for the couch down there.  Everyone has a part in this little mini-renovation and a chance to put their own stamp on this part of our home.

 This week my schedule is not quite as full.  My goal is lose 5 pounds and stay active.  I am adding an abs class to my regular workout schedule.  I notice that my body gets used to routine and it becomes a little less effective over time.  In order to continue losing pounds and inches each week I need to change things up a bit.  It also helps to keep me from getting bored with my workouts which effectively keeps me motivated every day.  Stay motivated, Stay active, Stay strong…