Living in the sunshine

Today I let go of the last piece of my former self.  Throughout this journey I have not packed up or given away any of my clothes.  I only recently began buying clothes that actually fit.  So today, I cleaned out my closet.  It started with a lost pink hoodie and ended with me letting go of my fear and the deep seated insecurities that have kept me fat for most of my life. 

I was looking for a pink hoodie that I have never been able to wear.  My husband gave it me a couple of years ago and today I decided to try it on and see if it finally fit.  I pulled out so many clothes as I was looking for it that I just sat on the floor in the middle of the chaos and I decided this is it.  "I am just going to do this, I refuse to allow myself to get this big and unhealthy ever again so why am I holding on to it?"  "Why is it so hard for me to just let this go?"  I created a couple of different piles at first.  the "go" pile and the "maybe" pile.  By the time I was finished there was no "keep" pile, it all went.  I though about the way I felt about myself then compared to the confidence I have now.  Packing up all those things and making room in my closet for the new smaller things was a very cathartic experience.  It's hard to explain the emotional shift that I felt in doing this.  I realize that I am lighter and stronger but most of all happier than I was then. 

This journey is not something I am simply visiting.  I intend for it to be my life and my family's life for the rest of my life.  I do not need to hold on to the skin, the covering that those things provided, kind of a safety net of never being noticed.  I have maintained a strong workout schedule this week.  I went to the gym every day I have been eating clean all week and really watching my calorie intake.  I will weigh on Tuesday but I can already feel that my clothes loosened back up so I must have lost the extra I gained last week. 

Adrianna and I went for a 3.5 mile run today.  She finished the full route on her scooter while I ran.  We talked about her friends and "Jimmy".  He is the latest crush.  We got out in the sunshine and lifted our spirits and we spent some pretty great moments together.  By the way I never did find the pink hoodie LOL...

Family week

Today we celebrated my son's 8th birthday.  It was a really great day, I got an early start so that I could at least get in part of my workout while getting everything ready for Hayden's party.  The last couple of weeks have been pretty sporadic with my food plan.  I thought that I was doing okay  because I have been working out but when I weighed in on Tuesday this week I have gained.  In retrospect I can feel it in my clothes, they are a little tighter so I have been working hard all week to get it back off!

This morning I got up early and went running while it was still kind of dark.  I love that time of the day, just me, my music, my heartbeat and my feet hitting the pavement. Once I am able to find a rhythm with the music on my Ipod and my breath it is almost autopilot from there.  I find solace in running alone at that time of day.  It gives me the opportunity to clear my thoughts.  I ran 4 miles.

 I came home and showered and went shopping for a couple of last minute things for Hayden's birthday and while I was out I found the perfect suit for him for Melissa's wedding in July!  yeah two things off my list!  Then I came home and baked two birthday cakes because as my sweet boy puts it, not everyone loves chocolate cake the way I do so we should have one for everyone else too.  I have always baked two cakes for every birthday both from scratch one chocolate and one not chocolate.  My family has come to expect it now and even my extended family loves it lol.  One of my favorite things is bringing some of the people I love, friends, family, extended family together.  Food is usually a big part of that, I like to feed my people, I am Italian after all, come to our homes and prepare to be fed!  Then we went to play laser tag.  That is the first time I have played but we had a blast! These moments with my family are the moments that I live for.  Hayden's best friend Josh is spending the night so I made homemade pizza for the kiddos and a yummy shrimp and chicken stir fry for Mom and Dad doesn't it look delish!!
  I am staying on my food plan and I am going to workout this evening on the total gym as soon as I get the kids settled with their movie.  Even with everything going on this week I have stayed grounded and happy and able to find time to move my body and move my family.

It has been a very busy day and very busy week.  It has been a week focusing entirely on my family and my blessings.  Hayden's adoption anniversary and his birthday are so close together.  I love that.  Adrianna's adoption anniversary is also just before her birthday, 10 days before.  Thank you God for those two little people!  They bring such light to every day.  They keep me young and they keep me grounded. 
 
I am ready to settle from my day, have a glass of wine, (I earned it today) and think about the people that I love and the people that I miss, I will squeeze in the total gym first however.  Today I am at peace.  I am happy and very thankful that my cup runneth over....

Building Memories

Sunday afternoon, I am looking around and smiling and thinking how truly blessed I am.  I had a really good workout yesterday that left me feeling refreshed and rejuvenated...I spent a couple of hours getting my tattoo worked on. and then played games the rest of the afternoon wiith the kids.  I found some good recipes for kid friendly, healthy snacks and we decided to try a couple of them out.

 Adrianna is at the age where it is time that she learns to cook and we have been working on that for a while.  I love to cook, and I hope that I can share that passion with her.  We made homemade granola bars, low calorie homemade trek bars, and smoothies.  Jd had to bust out the power drill with the wooden spoon attached, You know the ultimate in redneck blenders LOL.   My kids learned something about nutrition and we all had so much fun.  I really enjoy my family and am thankful for them every day.  Today we all got up early and went for a hike up the mountain.  Breathing in the fresh air, once again racking up the mom memory moments with my kiddos.

I am trying hard to incorporate healthy habits into my activities with my kids.  We are planning Hayden's 8th birthday party in two weeks.  So far he is not convinced that his friends will like carrot sticks better than cheesepuffs for snacks.  He is liking the idea of tumbling and getting to climb a rock wall so hopefully the snack part of it will move down the list of priorities for him.  JD is going to take him and let him shoot his BB gun for first time, that kid is so excited he can't hardly stand himself! 

I plan to spend some quality time this evening with my total gym and a movie with my family.  I am loving that the weather is finally clearing up a little.  I can't wait to get outside again. during the summer I love taking my kids for early morning bike rides on Sundays and have breakfast.  Can't wait for that again. 

I will be starting school again soon so I am trying to find holes in my schedule that I can dump school into now so that I can get adjusted by the time it starts...I think it will be an easier transition for all of us. 

I am strong, happy, and ready to start a new week.  My goal this week to lose another 5 pounds, move and get my family to move in some way doing some thing fun together at least once a day for the next 7 days.....We are building memories...

Movin forward!

 I am down 7 more pounds this week.  It has been a rough road, finding time to get to the gym while working through the personal stuff going on at home.  It is hard to remember to take care of ourselves when we are going through personal crises.  My beautiful mother reminded me that I cannot be a good mother, friend, employee, wife or whatever if I am not taking care of myself.  I have not been taking care of myself and I freely admit that perhaps I need to take stock of where I have come from and where I am going and re-focus. 

 

The drop on the scale this week, although I welcome any drop it has been an unhealthy one.  My nerves are raw and I have been unable to function for a month.  I am feeling better within the last few days.  I have begun to eat again.  When I am stressed out beyond my coping capabilities I have a habit of just not eating anything for days.  That is what happened this week.  I have been going to the gym however and that has given me something to look forward to.  I won the biggest loser overall in my office and was quite surprised to find out that I won $60.00.  My mother’s cousin suggested that I spend it on myself either a new dress or new pair of shoes, etc. just something for myself.  That is a foreign concept to me as it my nature to spend it on my children or towards some bill.

 

I did buy a new pair of stilettos the other day and of course I love shoes so it was a good day!  I am regaining some of my energy, All of my focus, All of my strength and determination.  I am hopeful about the future and even though my heart is broken I know that it will heal.  It has been many years since I have had to deal with the pain and uncertainty of heartbreak.  It is not a fun thing. I guess it comes with the territory though.

I must confess that this week I fell off the wagon, I smoked nearly an entire pack of cigarettes in one day.  I used it as a crutch since my normal coping mechanisms seem to be on a beach somewhere on vacation when I needed them.  The next day I woke up with the worst chest pain and sore throat.  What was I thinking???!!!  Now I remember why I quit smoking in the first place.  Thank God it was only one day!

 

I have found a couple of really great, healthy recipes that I am looking forward to trying this weekend with the kiddos.  I am eating clean again and I am going to the gym tomorrow morning and have a three hour workout planned.  I should be sufficiently exhausted to sleep through the night….Well, okay then when was the last time I actually slept through the night lol? If the weather is good I plan to take my kiddos on a hike up the mountain.  Staying active, and busy, when you going through emotional stuff can help keep you centered.  I know that I have to stay active no matter what else is happening around me and I am holding true to that.  My spirits are positive.  It is a beautiful day and I am going to enjoy every precious moment…

New Direction or Separation

When a relationship is new and you are falling in love or have just fallen in love with someone it seems that the world suddenly has a new glow about it.  Everything seems easier and brighter.  And by the same token when a relationship starts to burn out, the world seems to become dark and hard to manage. 

 

I have built a family, a home, and a life with my husband.  I am defined by my role as a wife and a mother.  When I was a little girl and I dreamed of what my life would be when I grew up, I dreamed of being a wife and a mother.  I did not dream of having an amazing career or doing great things, I simply wanted a family.  As I grew up and grew into adulthood,  I began having physical problems that prevented me from having biological children.  I spent many years longing to fill that hole inside my heart.  I spent many years doing fertility treatments and every time I started a new relationship, I immediately began thinking about having a family. 

 

As I got older and came to the realization that I would most likely never have biological children that I would most likely never be a mother it broke my heart!  There were times when I felt that I had no purpose for being without that.  I focused more on my career and my own needs.  I moved to a large city and worked and worked some more.  I surrounded myself with material things and good friends, all the while trying to fill that hole in my heart. I gained strength and independence and realized that I didn’t NEED a man to make me happy.  I didn’t NEED someone to take care of me but I wished for someone to care for. 

 

I met my husband around this same time.  In the beginning I was so infatuated with him.  I have always seen JD as the strongest man I have ever known.  He was handsome and down to earth.  He had the same traditional family values that I had.  Over the last couple of years it has changed and we have sort of grown in different directions.  I felt that I was drowning and I think he has felt those same feelings.  We are so different in so many ways.  When a relationship starts having struggles, it isn’t always easy to recognize.  It started with simply feeling that we were disconnected and not knowing how to find that connection again.  As time has gone on the disconnect has grown and fostered feelings of extreme loneliness, of not being worthy.    I was being ignored.  We were constantly fighting and I don’t think either of us were able to consider what the other was feeling as we have NEVER communicated well.  Our life spiraled out of control.

 

We have considered separation.  We are at a point of no return and not sure which direction to go.  The last few months have left me completely exhausted and lost and feeling like my life is in total chaos.  I have been totally debilitated by it.  Everything has suffered, my job, my friendships, my relationships with my children.  If we split up where does that leave me?  I am defined by my role as a wife and a mother and if that changes it feels like I will implode!  I know now that he has had similar feelings.  We have come to a new understanding.  I am feeling again like I can function and so does he for the first time in a long time.  I am at peace and hopeful of whatever turn our life takes whether together or not.  We both know that we have things that need to change (for ourselves and our children) and we have chosen to move forward with some of those changes.  I am still very fearful.  There has been a lot of pain but there has also been a new understanding and knowledge that what brought us together in the first place still burns.  That we don’t know what the future holds in the long run but for the moment we can both breathe.  I am not looking far forward into the future I am simply living day by day and moment by moment.  I have gained strength through my friendships, and my faith in GOD.  I know that our children are our first priority and WE are our second.  It will work out how it is meant to be.  We don’t yet know what that will look like, whether it will be in the same capacity or a new one...That is in GOD’s hands…