Peace comes when you stop and breathe

I have been MIA for the last couple of weeks.  I have had a few trials, challenges, sad moments, and really great moments! I think that figuring out what I really needed has given me more strength than I have had for a while.  I was able to spend a little bit of time with close friends that I truly love, you gave me nourishment and strength to continue to fight the good fight.  I will be forever touched. Thank you guys, I love you.

I have had some challenges within my closest relationships.  Extreme difficulties can be exhausting.  It can make you feel like your entire world is caving in and it is really hard to function.  It is really hard to think clearly. It is hard to separate actions and feelings, and when feelings dictate actions things can get to a breaking point quickly. 

I have been reminded that I love my people for a reason.  It is what is inside each one of them that reaches out and grabs hold of what is inside me.  I am so blessed to have so much in my life.  My cousin in law was recently diagnosed with cancer.  It is heartbreaking!  She is so young and lives about an hour away from all of us.  she is in my prayers every day.  She is loved very much, and we are all sending her strength. Had a good day at the gym, thank you Stef for listening and giving me a better understanding of the genes lol.  I love my people!  All of you!

This next week is looking to very busy and hopefully I will be able to deepen some of the connections in my life.  I am really looking forward to getting back in the gym as my family issues have taken precedent this week and I sure am feeling the lack of exercise.  Today was a good start.  Tomorrow I will be in the gym again and back on my regular schedule.  I do have about a week left on my shots. I have not eaten well the last week either.  I get stressed out and then I do not eat. Then when I get hungry again and do eat, I eat badly.  I did okay today, it wasn't a total success but it was a good start back on the right path. 

I welcome change, I welcome peace, love, hope...I know that life brings constant motion.  That is what I love about it!!  I am moving forward with a new feeling of peace, of being loved and cared for and knowing that I will be able to ride the wave.  I move forward knowing that which may seem like a failure at the moment sometimes just needs a better plan. 

Confirmation!!

I got the results of my follow up blood work yesterday and I love good news.  I have taken metformin for the last 15 years.  One of my goals has been to control my hypoglycemia with my diet and get off the medication.  I have not seen my Dr. since he gave me the chantix to quit smoking 9 months ago.  Boy was he surprised LOL.  My doctor is an old school phsysician, he doesn't have the best bedside manner but he does give it to me straight. 

In the last ten months I have accomplished a few things.  I did quit smoking, I am eating clean and working hard to get my body in the best physical shape I can be.  I had a large goiter in my neck when I started.  It was big enough to see, it looked like a big swollen bump in the middle of my throat.  It is now gone and my thyroid is constrolled completely through medication and diet.  I am totally off all pain medication for my fibromyalgia, even the ibuprofin on most days.   Most of all I am officially off the metformin!  This medication is for Type  2 diabetes as well as hypoglycemics like me.  It has some terrible side effects which is mostly why I wanted to stop taking it. 

My blood sugar is completely under control.  I started to notice a change in the way the medication was affecting me a couple of months ago and I spoke to the nutritionist at the gym.  She suggested that my consistant plateaus could be from the medication.  As I have lost weight and gained more muscle over the last year my body has become leaner and I burn fuel much more efficiently now.  I am not eating the sugar or the fast carbs that I used to eat so my body doesn't go through the severe ups and downs with my blood sugar anymore. 

Being off the medication is huge for me!  It is a goal that I had set for myself from the very beginning.  I started this journey so that I could become healthier, stronger, and ensure that I would be around for a long time for my kids.  I feel that I am one step closer to that now and it's truly a wonderful thing to see and feel the results of all this hard work!! 

I so wish I had started this years ago!  There is so much that I have missed.  Im not going to miss anymore.  One day at a time, one step at a time.  It certainly is not a race but journey.  It's a lifelong change.  I feel like I woke up from a long sleep and am finally moving forward.  This is confirmation that I am doing well, that I'm on the right path.  Celebrate every success!!

Nerf Gun Wars

My brother-in-law is a great guy...  He is loud and annoying and very caring.  He lives out of state and isn't always able to come home for the holidays but a few years ago he did come for Christmas.  Rick decided to ambush the entire family with a Nerf Gun War.  There must have been 20 different guns and I know there were over 4000 bullets.  It was epic!  Everyone got involved. It really was a lot of fun and thus started the King family Nerf Gun Wars.  He gave my children all of the guns and all of the bullets (I am still finding them all over my house). 

So now when I want to celebrate something with my kids or to relieve some stress I pull out the Nerf Guns.  My son elected to have a nerf gun birthday party last year and it was sooo much fun!!  My point here is...having something like this that means a lot to my family and is a way for all of us to blow off some steam and just have some fun is a beautiful thing.  It gives all of us an oppurtunity to enjoy time with each other.  It has been a while since we had an epic Nerf Gun battle in my house but I think that we may just need to pull those guns out again. 

Thank you Rick for inadvertantly giving my family a new tradition.  It is a reminder that we need to have a little fun and a little craziness once in a while, even when we grow up!!  I have been feeling much better the last couple of days.  Staying on my food plan and working hard for the next two weeks.  My funk from the other day has subsided thanks to a wonderful friend that simply expressed to me that we all have those same feelings of being not enough sometimes but that it's okay and this too shall pass. 

I did go to the gym morning and evening yesterday and was there bright and early today.  I did weigh in this morning unofficially and I am down 5 pounds so far this week YAY!!! perhaps the the plateau has broken through.  A family commitment tonight will prevent me from going to the gym again but I do plan to have a serious session with the "total gym"  that has been lurking in my basement unused for some time now so at least I will be able to to accomplish something while not sacrificing my family time.  So far this is shaping up to be a great week and I am staying positive and happy and looking forward to having some fun! What are you doing to keep moving and having fun today?

Sunday evening family time....

This has been a really rough week for me.  I have been sick, I mean really sick.  I really never expected to end up feeling as bad as I did.  It's the first real cold and flu I've had since quitting smoking.  I underestimated it.  So, I haven't been able to workout pretty much most of the week.  I did wake up feeling a ton better today whew.  I mean it has been all week...

Now that I am feeling better physically  I'm having a hard time mentally today.  Because I haven't been able to work out and I'm worried that I have lost ground.  I know I probably haven't dropped any weight this week. I don't feel like I've gained but I really, really want to have good results for the next two weeks.  I'm obsessing over it.  Today I did pretty well, I did not got to the gym however, I stayed on plan with my food intake.  I made homemade carmel cinnamon rolls this morning for my monsters but I stayed on plan with grapefruit and strawberries. My kids have been so good to me the last few days.  It is a rare occurance that I am down for the count and not able to do ALL of the mom stuff and I stress over it and feel guilty about not cooking every night and doing baths every other night.  I know it sounds overdramatic and maybe the cold blocked all common sense as well but that's how I feel.  Just sensitive to every thing I guess.

I admit that I live by my emotions and that it often leads me astray but I feel everything so intensly and I would not ever want it to be any different even when what I am feeling is negative.  I am a very happy person most of the time.  Even through my insecurities and vulnerabilities I'm smiling.  But every once in while I need reassurance just like everyone else.  Today is one of those days where I am feeling that I am not enough...or perhaps too much I don't know...

Tomorrow is another day and this funk hopeully won't last but for today it's weighing on me. I have spent most of the day just being here with my monsters.  They sure do fight just like biological siblings lol  but they are sooo funny right now.  they woke up and got so excited over the cinnamon rolls and both of them had hands washed and ready to help bake in 10 seconds.  

Even doing chores we had the music on loud and Adrianna was singing and everybody was sort of dancing lol.   but we were all getting along and it was a beautiful moment.  We haven't had enough of those around here lately....I have to find the happy place again for us.   I'm ready to let the funk go, I am ready to wake up and feel like my self again...

Where does your motivation come from?

I have spoken to several friends lately that tell me they wish they had my motivation and I started thinking about what motivates each of us.  I get motivation from several places.  First of all the people in my life motivate me to be a better person, they give me strength.  My kids motivate me to make healthier choices every day, because without them my life wouldn't have meaning.  So what motivates you?  What is the one thing that would give you the strength to start a healthier lifestyle today?  What if the person you loved most asked you to start taking better care of yourself would that be the thing that got you to the gym that day?  What if your doctor gave you bad news about a health condition would that be the thing that got you to take better care of yourself?   Would it be your spouse or your children or your friends supporting you?

Inspiration often comes from different places and it can affect different parts of your life.  My friends that are travelling their own weight loss journeys inspire me every day.  Knowing that I made a promise to my kids really inspires me because failure is not an option.  I get support every day and without it I would not have gotten this far.  My daughter high fives me daily and tells me that she is proud that I am doing what I'm doing.  My friends tell me and show me how proud they are of me.  I am lucky enough to have some really close friends that I truly love with all my heart and they keep me going.  There are people in my circle that are not supportive of this journey.  I am not sure why.  I think some of it is the insecurities of their own, Perhaps not being able to make that decision for me,  I don't really know.  In the beginning it was really heartbreaking for me but as time has gone by and I have worked so hard to get to the place I am in my personal renovation project,  I had to turn away from those that were unable to support me in this journey.  I realized that I cannot change those feelings for either of us but I can change how I react to it.  I have also realized just how fragile my heart is.  I have realized that I have allowed others feelings to cause me great pain, it still causes me pain.  However, it also gives me courage and strength to finally put myself first.

If someone that loved you was there to push you gently to make some difficult changes would that be enough to move you?  Making the decision is the hardest part, once you are there just close your eyes and take a step.  Do not think about it, do not talk yourself out of it, simply FEEL IT and DO IT...by the same token if someone that loved you were against your decisions and not understanding of the reasons why you need to do what you need to do, would you let that affect the rest of your life?  Would you put aside what you need?

I want to support and inspire those that I love!  I want you to take that first step, no thinking no excuses.  Let me inspire you.  Then inspire someone else, we are all connected,  I am thankful for so much in my life!  I am scared to death of making the wrong choice and moving backword instead of forward but I know that I am learning each day, I am loving my people each day, and I am moving.  I will never stop moving.  This is not just about the amount of weight I lose, it's about being better in all ways...  It's about finding myself and loving the person I find.  It is truly a lifelong change.  These things are what motivates me.   Let me ask you again, what motivates you?

Almost to the finish line

I weighed in yesterday and realized that I am only about 25 pounds away from my original goal!  I have lost 118 pounds so far!  The realization hit me hard because I still feel fat!  I look in the mirror every day and sometimes I don't really recognize the face staring back at me and other times, I think there is no way I have lost that much cuz I still feel fat.   I struggle with it every day.  I am sure now that I will struggle with this self image every day for the rest of my life.  I realized that it probably won't matter how much weight I lose, I will still have insecurities.  So, I have made a decision.

I know that I am a good person, I know that I have a good heart and it is just as much what is on the inside of me as it is what is on the outside of me.  I went through all my old pictures and chose one that really shows just how big I used to be.  This picture was taken the day that we adopted our son.  It was taken in court and it is really painful to look at.  That moment was a moment of celebration during a time in my life when everything was falling apart!  It was a beautiful moment that we worked toward for 3 years as foster parents with Hayden, hoping and praying that GOD would not take him from us.  It was very stressful and it was the time that I was the heaviest I have ever been, you can see it!

I am making myself look in the mirror now and focus on happiness and celebrations!  I am celebrating every moment no matter how big or how small, I am saying Ta-da!  I have lost 118 pounds!  Ta-da! I quit smoking! Ta-da!  I smiled today!  I am stronger and healthier and most of all HAPPIER than I have ever been in my entire adult life and I am going to celebrate it from the beginning to the end!  I am the same size today as Marilyn Monroe.  She was one of the most beautiful women in the world, I have always loved my curves and never really wanted to lose them completely, I forgot about that until now.  I am celebrating my curves, I am celebrating my happiness and my strength!  Celebrate yours!  Ta-da!

Coming Home

I have been out of town in training all week.  Getting home today is like letting out my breath.  It has been a week full of so much that my brain is still spinning.  I hate being away from home for that long.  I am unable to relax.  I miss my kids and worry consantly that things at home will not function without me (commonly referred to as control issues).   I am out of my element and experience a certain degree of sress when I am away from home and although I was in the company of some really great women it was a long week.

I started my shots again last saturday and although I have not been able to weigh in, I am feeling that I have lost around 10-15 pounds so far or maybe thats just wishful thinking.  I have been using the gym in my hotel every morning and a couple of evenings.  I stayed pretty well within my food plan.  I did try to drink as much water as I could.  I typically do not sleep well in hotels.  and it is hard to stick to a weight loss plan when you are travelling. 

My relationships have also suffered some this week.  Aside from being away from all of those that I love, I was finding that communications between me and those people in my life kind of fell apart the last 2 days.  My children were staying with grandma because JD was working a lot and I was not able to get a hold of them to say goodnight the last two nights.   It was Valentine's Day and being unable to spend that time where I wanted to be instead of alone and away from home was hard.  I have felt very lonely and really missing my people.  I was able to have a great conversation with my best friend and that seemed to help as well as running into a lifelong friend at my hotel and being a witness to her boyfriend surprising her with a proposal.  It was such a great moment.  I am so happy for her. 

I feel that I may have upset a couple of friends that are very close to me .  All I can say is I'm sorry, I did not intend to upset them and I should have perhaps engaged my brain before writing.  It does happen on occasion (more than often in my case as I do not have a filter most days)  but know that I love ya and I will be back to normal now that my routine has returned. 

I think my children are also feeling it, I came home to major behavioral problems with Adrianna and Hayden isolating with his video game.  I took them for ice cream and then they seemed to fall apart too.  Hopefully we can all get a good night's sleep and tomorrow is another day.   I need to get back to my regular schedule.  I am going to spinning class and yoga tomorrow and then I will be back on track.  I am going to spend time with my kiddos.

I am going to weigh when I go to the gym tomorrow and will have a better idea of whether I was successful with plan this week or not.  Not much to celebrate but I am staying positive.  In my training I was reminded of the Ta-Da cape.  Wearing a Ta-Da cape every day and celebrating every tiny achievement helps you focus and stay on the path to being joyful in spite of the stress.  It's good to be home!