Building Memories

Sunday afternoon, I am looking around and smiling and thinking how truly blessed I am.  I had a really good workout yesterday that left me feeling refreshed and rejuvenated...I spent a couple of hours getting my tattoo worked on. and then played games the rest of the afternoon wiith the kids.  I found some good recipes for kid friendly, healthy snacks and we decided to try a couple of them out.

 Adrianna is at the age where it is time that she learns to cook and we have been working on that for a while.  I love to cook, and I hope that I can share that passion with her.  We made homemade granola bars, low calorie homemade trek bars, and smoothies.  Jd had to bust out the power drill with the wooden spoon attached, You know the ultimate in redneck blenders LOL.   My kids learned something about nutrition and we all had so much fun.  I really enjoy my family and am thankful for them every day.  Today we all got up early and went for a hike up the mountain.  Breathing in the fresh air, once again racking up the mom memory moments with my kiddos.

I am trying hard to incorporate healthy habits into my activities with my kids.  We are planning Hayden's 8th birthday party in two weeks.  So far he is not convinced that his friends will like carrot sticks better than cheesepuffs for snacks.  He is liking the idea of tumbling and getting to climb a rock wall so hopefully the snack part of it will move down the list of priorities for him.  JD is going to take him and let him shoot his BB gun for first time, that kid is so excited he can't hardly stand himself! 

I plan to spend some quality time this evening with my total gym and a movie with my family.  I am loving that the weather is finally clearing up a little.  I can't wait to get outside again. during the summer I love taking my kids for early morning bike rides on Sundays and have breakfast.  Can't wait for that again. 

I will be starting school again soon so I am trying to find holes in my schedule that I can dump school into now so that I can get adjusted by the time it starts...I think it will be an easier transition for all of us. 

I am strong, happy, and ready to start a new week.  My goal this week to lose another 5 pounds, move and get my family to move in some way doing some thing fun together at least once a day for the next 7 days.....We are building memories...

Movin forward!

 I am down 7 more pounds this week.  It has been a rough road, finding time to get to the gym while working through the personal stuff going on at home.  It is hard to remember to take care of ourselves when we are going through personal crises.  My beautiful mother reminded me that I cannot be a good mother, friend, employee, wife or whatever if I am not taking care of myself.  I have not been taking care of myself and I freely admit that perhaps I need to take stock of where I have come from and where I am going and re-focus. 

 

The drop on the scale this week, although I welcome any drop it has been an unhealthy one.  My nerves are raw and I have been unable to function for a month.  I am feeling better within the last few days.  I have begun to eat again.  When I am stressed out beyond my coping capabilities I have a habit of just not eating anything for days.  That is what happened this week.  I have been going to the gym however and that has given me something to look forward to.  I won the biggest loser overall in my office and was quite surprised to find out that I won $60.00.  My mother’s cousin suggested that I spend it on myself either a new dress or new pair of shoes, etc. just something for myself.  That is a foreign concept to me as it my nature to spend it on my children or towards some bill.

 

I did buy a new pair of stilettos the other day and of course I love shoes so it was a good day!  I am regaining some of my energy, All of my focus, All of my strength and determination.  I am hopeful about the future and even though my heart is broken I know that it will heal.  It has been many years since I have had to deal with the pain and uncertainty of heartbreak.  It is not a fun thing. I guess it comes with the territory though.

I must confess that this week I fell off the wagon, I smoked nearly an entire pack of cigarettes in one day.  I used it as a crutch since my normal coping mechanisms seem to be on a beach somewhere on vacation when I needed them.  The next day I woke up with the worst chest pain and sore throat.  What was I thinking???!!!  Now I remember why I quit smoking in the first place.  Thank God it was only one day!

 

I have found a couple of really great, healthy recipes that I am looking forward to trying this weekend with the kiddos.  I am eating clean again and I am going to the gym tomorrow morning and have a three hour workout planned.  I should be sufficiently exhausted to sleep through the night….Well, okay then when was the last time I actually slept through the night lol? If the weather is good I plan to take my kiddos on a hike up the mountain.  Staying active, and busy, when you going through emotional stuff can help keep you centered.  I know that I have to stay active no matter what else is happening around me and I am holding true to that.  My spirits are positive.  It is a beautiful day and I am going to enjoy every precious moment…

New Direction or Separation

When a relationship is new and you are falling in love or have just fallen in love with someone it seems that the world suddenly has a new glow about it.  Everything seems easier and brighter.  And by the same token when a relationship starts to burn out, the world seems to become dark and hard to manage. 

 

I have built a family, a home, and a life with my husband.  I am defined by my role as a wife and a mother.  When I was a little girl and I dreamed of what my life would be when I grew up, I dreamed of being a wife and a mother.  I did not dream of having an amazing career or doing great things, I simply wanted a family.  As I grew up and grew into adulthood,  I began having physical problems that prevented me from having biological children.  I spent many years longing to fill that hole inside my heart.  I spent many years doing fertility treatments and every time I started a new relationship, I immediately began thinking about having a family. 

 

As I got older and came to the realization that I would most likely never have biological children that I would most likely never be a mother it broke my heart!  There were times when I felt that I had no purpose for being without that.  I focused more on my career and my own needs.  I moved to a large city and worked and worked some more.  I surrounded myself with material things and good friends, all the while trying to fill that hole in my heart. I gained strength and independence and realized that I didn’t NEED a man to make me happy.  I didn’t NEED someone to take care of me but I wished for someone to care for. 

 

I met my husband around this same time.  In the beginning I was so infatuated with him.  I have always seen JD as the strongest man I have ever known.  He was handsome and down to earth.  He had the same traditional family values that I had.  Over the last couple of years it has changed and we have sort of grown in different directions.  I felt that I was drowning and I think he has felt those same feelings.  We are so different in so many ways.  When a relationship starts having struggles, it isn’t always easy to recognize.  It started with simply feeling that we were disconnected and not knowing how to find that connection again.  As time has gone on the disconnect has grown and fostered feelings of extreme loneliness, of not being worthy.    I was being ignored.  We were constantly fighting and I don’t think either of us were able to consider what the other was feeling as we have NEVER communicated well.  Our life spiraled out of control.

 

We have considered separation.  We are at a point of no return and not sure which direction to go.  The last few months have left me completely exhausted and lost and feeling like my life is in total chaos.  I have been totally debilitated by it.  Everything has suffered, my job, my friendships, my relationships with my children.  If we split up where does that leave me?  I am defined by my role as a wife and a mother and if that changes it feels like I will implode!  I know now that he has had similar feelings.  We have come to a new understanding.  I am feeling again like I can function and so does he for the first time in a long time.  I am at peace and hopeful of whatever turn our life takes whether together or not.  We both know that we have things that need to change (for ourselves and our children) and we have chosen to move forward with some of those changes.  I am still very fearful.  There has been a lot of pain but there has also been a new understanding and knowledge that what brought us together in the first place still burns.  That we don’t know what the future holds in the long run but for the moment we can both breathe.  I am not looking far forward into the future I am simply living day by day and moment by moment.  I have gained strength through my friendships, and my faith in GOD.  I know that our children are our first priority and WE are our second.  It will work out how it is meant to be.  We don’t yet know what that will look like, whether it will be in the same capacity or a new one...That is in GOD’s hands…

Peace comes when you stop and breathe

I have been MIA for the last couple of weeks.  I have had a few trials, challenges, sad moments, and really great moments! I think that figuring out what I really needed has given me more strength than I have had for a while.  I was able to spend a little bit of time with close friends that I truly love, you gave me nourishment and strength to continue to fight the good fight.  I will be forever touched. Thank you guys, I love you.

I have had some challenges within my closest relationships.  Extreme difficulties can be exhausting.  It can make you feel like your entire world is caving in and it is really hard to function.  It is really hard to think clearly. It is hard to separate actions and feelings, and when feelings dictate actions things can get to a breaking point quickly. 

I have been reminded that I love my people for a reason.  It is what is inside each one of them that reaches out and grabs hold of what is inside me.  I am so blessed to have so much in my life.  My cousin in law was recently diagnosed with cancer.  It is heartbreaking!  She is so young and lives about an hour away from all of us.  she is in my prayers every day.  She is loved very much, and we are all sending her strength. Had a good day at the gym, thank you Stef for listening and giving me a better understanding of the genes lol.  I love my people!  All of you!

This next week is looking to very busy and hopefully I will be able to deepen some of the connections in my life.  I am really looking forward to getting back in the gym as my family issues have taken precedent this week and I sure am feeling the lack of exercise.  Today was a good start.  Tomorrow I will be in the gym again and back on my regular schedule.  I do have about a week left on my shots. I have not eaten well the last week either.  I get stressed out and then I do not eat. Then when I get hungry again and do eat, I eat badly.  I did okay today, it wasn't a total success but it was a good start back on the right path. 

I welcome change, I welcome peace, love, hope...I know that life brings constant motion.  That is what I love about it!!  I am moving forward with a new feeling of peace, of being loved and cared for and knowing that I will be able to ride the wave.  I move forward knowing that which may seem like a failure at the moment sometimes just needs a better plan. 

Confirmation!!

I got the results of my follow up blood work yesterday and I love good news.  I have taken metformin for the last 15 years.  One of my goals has been to control my hypoglycemia with my diet and get off the medication.  I have not seen my Dr. since he gave me the chantix to quit smoking 9 months ago.  Boy was he surprised LOL.  My doctor is an old school phsysician, he doesn't have the best bedside manner but he does give it to me straight. 

In the last ten months I have accomplished a few things.  I did quit smoking, I am eating clean and working hard to get my body in the best physical shape I can be.  I had a large goiter in my neck when I started.  It was big enough to see, it looked like a big swollen bump in the middle of my throat.  It is now gone and my thyroid is constrolled completely through medication and diet.  I am totally off all pain medication for my fibromyalgia, even the ibuprofin on most days.   Most of all I am officially off the metformin!  This medication is for Type  2 diabetes as well as hypoglycemics like me.  It has some terrible side effects which is mostly why I wanted to stop taking it. 

My blood sugar is completely under control.  I started to notice a change in the way the medication was affecting me a couple of months ago and I spoke to the nutritionist at the gym.  She suggested that my consistant plateaus could be from the medication.  As I have lost weight and gained more muscle over the last year my body has become leaner and I burn fuel much more efficiently now.  I am not eating the sugar or the fast carbs that I used to eat so my body doesn't go through the severe ups and downs with my blood sugar anymore. 

Being off the medication is huge for me!  It is a goal that I had set for myself from the very beginning.  I started this journey so that I could become healthier, stronger, and ensure that I would be around for a long time for my kids.  I feel that I am one step closer to that now and it's truly a wonderful thing to see and feel the results of all this hard work!! 

I so wish I had started this years ago!  There is so much that I have missed.  Im not going to miss anymore.  One day at a time, one step at a time.  It certainly is not a race but journey.  It's a lifelong change.  I feel like I woke up from a long sleep and am finally moving forward.  This is confirmation that I am doing well, that I'm on the right path.  Celebrate every success!!

Nerf Gun Wars

My brother-in-law is a great guy...  He is loud and annoying and very caring.  He lives out of state and isn't always able to come home for the holidays but a few years ago he did come for Christmas.  Rick decided to ambush the entire family with a Nerf Gun War.  There must have been 20 different guns and I know there were over 4000 bullets.  It was epic!  Everyone got involved. It really was a lot of fun and thus started the King family Nerf Gun Wars.  He gave my children all of the guns and all of the bullets (I am still finding them all over my house). 

So now when I want to celebrate something with my kids or to relieve some stress I pull out the Nerf Guns.  My son elected to have a nerf gun birthday party last year and it was sooo much fun!!  My point here is...having something like this that means a lot to my family and is a way for all of us to blow off some steam and just have some fun is a beautiful thing.  It gives all of us an oppurtunity to enjoy time with each other.  It has been a while since we had an epic Nerf Gun battle in my house but I think that we may just need to pull those guns out again. 

Thank you Rick for inadvertantly giving my family a new tradition.  It is a reminder that we need to have a little fun and a little craziness once in a while, even when we grow up!!  I have been feeling much better the last couple of days.  Staying on my food plan and working hard for the next two weeks.  My funk from the other day has subsided thanks to a wonderful friend that simply expressed to me that we all have those same feelings of being not enough sometimes but that it's okay and this too shall pass. 

I did go to the gym morning and evening yesterday and was there bright and early today.  I did weigh in this morning unofficially and I am down 5 pounds so far this week YAY!!! perhaps the the plateau has broken through.  A family commitment tonight will prevent me from going to the gym again but I do plan to have a serious session with the "total gym"  that has been lurking in my basement unused for some time now so at least I will be able to to accomplish something while not sacrificing my family time.  So far this is shaping up to be a great week and I am staying positive and happy and looking forward to having some fun! What are you doing to keep moving and having fun today?

Sunday evening family time....

This has been a really rough week for me.  I have been sick, I mean really sick.  I really never expected to end up feeling as bad as I did.  It's the first real cold and flu I've had since quitting smoking.  I underestimated it.  So, I haven't been able to workout pretty much most of the week.  I did wake up feeling a ton better today whew.  I mean it has been all week...

Now that I am feeling better physically  I'm having a hard time mentally today.  Because I haven't been able to work out and I'm worried that I have lost ground.  I know I probably haven't dropped any weight this week. I don't feel like I've gained but I really, really want to have good results for the next two weeks.  I'm obsessing over it.  Today I did pretty well, I did not got to the gym however, I stayed on plan with my food intake.  I made homemade carmel cinnamon rolls this morning for my monsters but I stayed on plan with grapefruit and strawberries. My kids have been so good to me the last few days.  It is a rare occurance that I am down for the count and not able to do ALL of the mom stuff and I stress over it and feel guilty about not cooking every night and doing baths every other night.  I know it sounds overdramatic and maybe the cold blocked all common sense as well but that's how I feel.  Just sensitive to every thing I guess.

I admit that I live by my emotions and that it often leads me astray but I feel everything so intensly and I would not ever want it to be any different even when what I am feeling is negative.  I am a very happy person most of the time.  Even through my insecurities and vulnerabilities I'm smiling.  But every once in while I need reassurance just like everyone else.  Today is one of those days where I am feeling that I am not enough...or perhaps too much I don't know...

Tomorrow is another day and this funk hopeully won't last but for today it's weighing on me. I have spent most of the day just being here with my monsters.  They sure do fight just like biological siblings lol  but they are sooo funny right now.  they woke up and got so excited over the cinnamon rolls and both of them had hands washed and ready to help bake in 10 seconds.  

Even doing chores we had the music on loud and Adrianna was singing and everybody was sort of dancing lol.   but we were all getting along and it was a beautiful moment.  We haven't had enough of those around here lately....I have to find the happy place again for us.   I'm ready to let the funk go, I am ready to wake up and feel like my self again...