When a relationship is new and you are falling in love or
have just fallen in love with someone it seems that the world suddenly has a
new glow about it. Everything seems
easier and brighter. And by the same
token when a relationship starts to burn out, the world seems to become dark
and hard to manage.
I have built a family, a home, and a life with my
husband. I am defined by my role as a
wife and a mother. When I was a little
girl and I dreamed of what my life would be when I grew up, I dreamed of being
a wife and a mother. I did not dream of
having an amazing career or doing great things, I simply wanted a family. As I grew up and grew into adulthood, I began having physical problems that
prevented me from having biological children.
I spent many years longing to fill that hole inside my heart. I spent many years doing fertility treatments
and every time I started a new relationship, I immediately began thinking about
having a family.
As I got older and came to the realization that I would most
likely never have biological children that I would most likely never be a
mother it broke my heart! There were
times when I felt that I had no purpose for being without that. I focused more on my career and my own
needs. I moved to a large city and worked
and worked some more. I surrounded
myself with material things and good friends, all the while trying to fill that
hole in my heart. I gained strength and independence and realized that I didn’t
NEED a man to make me happy. I didn’t
NEED someone to take care of me but I wished for someone to care for.
I met my husband around this same time. In the beginning I was so infatuated with
him. I have always seen JD as the
strongest man I have ever known. He was
handsome and down to earth. He had the
same traditional family values that I had.
Over the last couple of years it has changed and we have sort of grown
in different directions. I felt that I
was drowning and I think he has felt those same feelings. We are so different in so many ways. When a relationship starts having struggles,
it isn’t always easy to recognize. It
started with simply feeling that we were disconnected and not knowing how to
find that connection again. As time has
gone on the disconnect has grown and fostered feelings of extreme loneliness,
of not being worthy. I was being ignored. We were constantly fighting and I don’t think
either of us were able to consider what the other was feeling as we have NEVER
communicated well. Our life spiraled out
of control.
We have considered separation. We are at a point of no return and not sure which direction to go. The last few months have left me completely exhausted and lost and feeling like my life is in total chaos. I have been totally debilitated by it. Everything has suffered, my job, my friendships, my relationships with my children. If we split up where does that leave me? I am defined by my role as a wife and a mother and if that changes it feels like I will implode! I know now that he has had similar feelings. We have come to a new understanding. I am feeling again like I can function and so does he for the first time in a long time. I am at peace and hopeful of whatever turn our life takes whether together or not. We both know that we have things that need to change (for ourselves and our children) and we have chosen to move forward with some of those changes. I am still very fearful. There has been a lot of pain but there has also been a new understanding and knowledge that what brought us together in the first place still burns. That we don’t know what the future holds in the long run but for the moment we can both breathe. I am not looking far forward into the future I am simply living day by day and moment by moment. I have gained strength through my friendships, and my faith in GOD. I know that our children are our first priority and WE are our second. It will work out how it is meant to be. We don’t yet know what that will look like, whether it will be in the same capacity or a new one...That is in GOD’s hands…
No comments:
Post a Comment