Living in the sunshine

Today I let go of the last piece of my former self.  Throughout this journey I have not packed up or given away any of my clothes.  I only recently began buying clothes that actually fit.  So today, I cleaned out my closet.  It started with a lost pink hoodie and ended with me letting go of my fear and the deep seated insecurities that have kept me fat for most of my life. 

I was looking for a pink hoodie that I have never been able to wear.  My husband gave it me a couple of years ago and today I decided to try it on and see if it finally fit.  I pulled out so many clothes as I was looking for it that I just sat on the floor in the middle of the chaos and I decided this is it.  "I am just going to do this, I refuse to allow myself to get this big and unhealthy ever again so why am I holding on to it?"  "Why is it so hard for me to just let this go?"  I created a couple of different piles at first.  the "go" pile and the "maybe" pile.  By the time I was finished there was no "keep" pile, it all went.  I though about the way I felt about myself then compared to the confidence I have now.  Packing up all those things and making room in my closet for the new smaller things was a very cathartic experience.  It's hard to explain the emotional shift that I felt in doing this.  I realize that I am lighter and stronger but most of all happier than I was then. 

This journey is not something I am simply visiting.  I intend for it to be my life and my family's life for the rest of my life.  I do not need to hold on to the skin, the covering that those things provided, kind of a safety net of never being noticed.  I have maintained a strong workout schedule this week.  I went to the gym every day I have been eating clean all week and really watching my calorie intake.  I will weigh on Tuesday but I can already feel that my clothes loosened back up so I must have lost the extra I gained last week. 

Adrianna and I went for a 3.5 mile run today.  She finished the full route on her scooter while I ran.  We talked about her friends and "Jimmy".  He is the latest crush.  We got out in the sunshine and lifted our spirits and we spent some pretty great moments together.  By the way I never did find the pink hoodie LOL...